Last night I came to a very scary realization...
After a night of heavy drinking and seeing shows and bowling in the glow of various blacklights, I ended up at a friend's birthday party during what is known as the "weird hour," about 130am or so. During this end of the night social hour, I decided to try to teach a guy the "Mc Donalds" little girls' slapping hand routine from childhood. I am sure some are familiar--"Big Mac, Filet of Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fries, Icy Coke, Thick Shake, Sundaes and Apple Pie..." you know the rest. We half chanted, half sung this song as we executed various seemingly elaborate hand slaps and snaps and such. It was thrilling as a little girl, trust me.
Well the guy didn't know it, so the female stranger next to him pushed him away and took over with gusto, which was very pleasing to me.
As this was going on, another friend came out and, inspired by the Micky Dee's routine, he proceeded to spout out some song he had learned as a child in which every single mother-loving menu item is recited in record speed. It was incredible. And oddly unsettling.
THEN, the original guy I was attempting to teach my slap hand routine, busted out with a song from camp that sounded vaguely familiar from days long gone. It went something like this:
A-Pizza Hut!
A-Pizza Hut!
Kentucky Fried Chicken and
A-Pizza Hut!
Mc Donalds!
Mc Donalds!
Kentucky Fried Chicken and
A-Pizza Hut!
--and so on.
Holy shit, I thought to myself, we have so many references from childhood to these fast food chains that we are now FINALLY realizing are so awful for us and contribute to this country's sense of gluttony and big, Big, BIG! It has been ingrained in us like so much church propaganda! The Church of Fast Food? Yikes.
Anyway this thought went along with another thought I had earlier in the week, about if babies whose mothers eat Mc Donalds when pregnant give their offspring a taste of the addictive qualities of Mc Donalds so early on, that they come out wanting it all the time and already hooked on whatever additives they put in the fries and shit that make it so good and such an intense craving sometimes.
Almost like a crack baby, but for Mc Donalds.
I really worry about those children. They may be the same ones whose mothers give them coca-cola in a bottle, forcing them to rot their teeth early and have gold and silver teeth by age 4.
But I guess now that bling grills are in style, its not so bad for those kids. And they can always be passified by a quick stop for a Happy Meal.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Things I am scared of right now...
1) The cold setting in
2) My car crapping out and having no money
3) Having to move soon and having no money
4) Starting a career path with an expensive school and having no money
5) Having to ask my mom for money
6) Some sort of catastrophe happening and having no money
I sense a pattern.
It seems I am having a financial breakdown. Again. It seems like only yesterday I was freaking out about money when I quit my waitressing job. But now, after being very frugal for a month or so, I have slipped just a little and got a bit fancy free with my money. (What? A girl can't have a few drinks and a nice movie on a Saturday afternoon? Please.) And suddenly I am back at square one, shivering and scared that if anything disrupts this delicate balance I have going, I will spiral into poor woman's oblivion. I am just perfectly able to pay all my bills and rent and eat and have a few drinks. That is about it. Nothing else can be introduced. Even a fun roadtrip coming up for Thanksgiving is secretly putting me into mini convulsions if I think about it and how I am going to afford to miss 3 whole work days.
Its ridiculous, I know. Stupid and meaningless to worry unnecessarily. But sometimes it feels very necessary. Especially when I am looking to take the plunge into some serious debt for school. The one good thing I had going was my little debt--a few thousand in cc bills. No biggie. NO school loans. Great.
But now...I am about to embark on an academic quest to learn a craft that will be amazing and wonderful to use, supposedly pay well, and hopefully give me some of the purpose I have been seeking for a while. But what if it doesn't? What if I don't get it, or I hurt myself, or I stop halfway through out of circumstances out of my control?
I am hearing my mother's voice in a lot of these thoughts. Her voice in my head likes to team up with my own inner voice and tear down all my excitement for things, only focusing on the hardships and possible horrible worse case senarios.
I hate it.
And I am fighting it. Seriously. I am really trying this time...
I just slip up and get lazy and the voices creep up yet again. So here I am, getting them out and away from my head and out into the ether (or net as it were) and somehow it helps. It may be a quick fix to just get me through the next few days, but it helps.
Anyone have any thoughts or fears they want to contribute? It is always nice to know you aren't alone in your darker moments. It helps to get it out and share with people who understand.
I am here, shaking in my shitty boots I can't afford to replace, willing to listen and empathize.
1) The cold setting in
2) My car crapping out and having no money
3) Having to move soon and having no money
4) Starting a career path with an expensive school and having no money
5) Having to ask my mom for money
6) Some sort of catastrophe happening and having no money
I sense a pattern.
It seems I am having a financial breakdown. Again. It seems like only yesterday I was freaking out about money when I quit my waitressing job. But now, after being very frugal for a month or so, I have slipped just a little and got a bit fancy free with my money. (What? A girl can't have a few drinks and a nice movie on a Saturday afternoon? Please.) And suddenly I am back at square one, shivering and scared that if anything disrupts this delicate balance I have going, I will spiral into poor woman's oblivion. I am just perfectly able to pay all my bills and rent and eat and have a few drinks. That is about it. Nothing else can be introduced. Even a fun roadtrip coming up for Thanksgiving is secretly putting me into mini convulsions if I think about it and how I am going to afford to miss 3 whole work days.
Its ridiculous, I know. Stupid and meaningless to worry unnecessarily. But sometimes it feels very necessary. Especially when I am looking to take the plunge into some serious debt for school. The one good thing I had going was my little debt--a few thousand in cc bills. No biggie. NO school loans. Great.
But now...I am about to embark on an academic quest to learn a craft that will be amazing and wonderful to use, supposedly pay well, and hopefully give me some of the purpose I have been seeking for a while. But what if it doesn't? What if I don't get it, or I hurt myself, or I stop halfway through out of circumstances out of my control?
I am hearing my mother's voice in a lot of these thoughts. Her voice in my head likes to team up with my own inner voice and tear down all my excitement for things, only focusing on the hardships and possible horrible worse case senarios.
I hate it.
And I am fighting it. Seriously. I am really trying this time...
I just slip up and get lazy and the voices creep up yet again. So here I am, getting them out and away from my head and out into the ether (or net as it were) and somehow it helps. It may be a quick fix to just get me through the next few days, but it helps.
Anyone have any thoughts or fears they want to contribute? It is always nice to know you aren't alone in your darker moments. It helps to get it out and share with people who understand.
I am here, shaking in my shitty boots I can't afford to replace, willing to listen and empathize.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
The Killer Giant Snails Are Coming!!!!
I read that in Barbados they are conducting nocturnal hunts in search of the "Giant Snails" that are taking massive chunks out of their wildlife during the night. These snails are said to be at least the size of a human hand, and are often found riding on each other's backs and clustering together in what sound like massive snail orgies.
I can't quite believe this is really happening.
It is a very similar feeling to the one I had when told that they had found the Giant Squid, which has "eyes the size of dinner plates!" I was full of glee when I heard, yet had a very hard time comprehending the truth of it all.
I hope they can put a stop to the destruction these snails have caused. But I also hope they can cage at least a few of those suckers and ship them over to the museum here so I can see these invertebrate orgies in action.
I read that in Barbados they are conducting nocturnal hunts in search of the "Giant Snails" that are taking massive chunks out of their wildlife during the night. These snails are said to be at least the size of a human hand, and are often found riding on each other's backs and clustering together in what sound like massive snail orgies.
I can't quite believe this is really happening.
It is a very similar feeling to the one I had when told that they had found the Giant Squid, which has "eyes the size of dinner plates!" I was full of glee when I heard, yet had a very hard time comprehending the truth of it all.
I hope they can put a stop to the destruction these snails have caused. But I also hope they can cage at least a few of those suckers and ship them over to the museum here so I can see these invertebrate orgies in action.
Monday, November 06, 2006
It is always scary to take the plunge and commit to a set path in life. That has been my problem for a long time, I think--the idea that deciding what to do and then going for it is so...final, and thus a challenge to do. But the beauty of making a decision is that you can always veer somewhere else, or discover something even better along the way. It's NOT doing anything that stops you from moving forward or living life to the fullest.
And choosing a path doesn't mean it has to be forever. It can just be an awesome and satisfying way to spend your time...until it's not. And that is okay too. But maybe, just maybe, you find something that will fulfill something inside of you. And maybe that will be the end all be all. Or maybe it will be what it is to you right then--exactly what you needed to do to save yourself from yourself. And then you move on to something else.
I am experiencing this sort of decision making phenomena right now. And it feels so much better than NOT doing anything, that I know whether it is right or wrong, it is good for me. I am excited about discovering if a career is right for me, and I am going about it as responsibly as I can. I am getting mixed responses from friends and family, but I am trying to sort out the pros and cons and the negative attitudes. I am evaluating the investment I would have to make and assessing if it is worth the spiritual and educational growth I will be gaining from it.
I have discovered many things so far. One is, this shit is really difficult. But it's not so difficult I want to quit. The drive far outweighs the trouble. Which is AWESOME! I haven't felt that in a long time. Also, trying to listen to yourself is easier once you stop pushing to find something. Something will make sense once you give yourself the attention you need and stop paying attention to what everyone else is doing. Easier said than done for me, but I managed to hear a little something and am trying to run with it. And even if it turns out not to be for me, I am that much closer to finding what is. That is what life is.
Why is it so hard to remember that? All those cliches about "life is the journey, not the destination" and blah blah get lost along the way when you are freaking out about being in your late 20s and as directionless as an amoeba. Maybe we aren't directionless, maybe it is okay to have some incubation periods at times. Bears get to hybernate, don't they? Maybe we should get to as well. As long as we don't get lost in our sorrow and fear, maybe it is rejuvinating to go through it.
At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Anyway I am excited to see what the future has in store, and I am not fearing it nearly as much.
Give me a few days, then we'll talk.
And choosing a path doesn't mean it has to be forever. It can just be an awesome and satisfying way to spend your time...until it's not. And that is okay too. But maybe, just maybe, you find something that will fulfill something inside of you. And maybe that will be the end all be all. Or maybe it will be what it is to you right then--exactly what you needed to do to save yourself from yourself. And then you move on to something else.
I am experiencing this sort of decision making phenomena right now. And it feels so much better than NOT doing anything, that I know whether it is right or wrong, it is good for me. I am excited about discovering if a career is right for me, and I am going about it as responsibly as I can. I am getting mixed responses from friends and family, but I am trying to sort out the pros and cons and the negative attitudes. I am evaluating the investment I would have to make and assessing if it is worth the spiritual and educational growth I will be gaining from it.
I have discovered many things so far. One is, this shit is really difficult. But it's not so difficult I want to quit. The drive far outweighs the trouble. Which is AWESOME! I haven't felt that in a long time. Also, trying to listen to yourself is easier once you stop pushing to find something. Something will make sense once you give yourself the attention you need and stop paying attention to what everyone else is doing. Easier said than done for me, but I managed to hear a little something and am trying to run with it. And even if it turns out not to be for me, I am that much closer to finding what is. That is what life is.
Why is it so hard to remember that? All those cliches about "life is the journey, not the destination" and blah blah get lost along the way when you are freaking out about being in your late 20s and as directionless as an amoeba. Maybe we aren't directionless, maybe it is okay to have some incubation periods at times. Bears get to hybernate, don't they? Maybe we should get to as well. As long as we don't get lost in our sorrow and fear, maybe it is rejuvinating to go through it.
At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Anyway I am excited to see what the future has in store, and I am not fearing it nearly as much.
Give me a few days, then we'll talk.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
I began taking a guitar class at Old Town School of Folk, which I highly reccommend to anyone who wants a low key and warm environment in which to make poor attempts at rocking when you know nothing about music. Seriously, when you are jamming in class at Old Town , you FEEL like you are really mastering the instrument, and everyone supports your artistic endevors wholeheartedly. Its amazing. Also, they just throw you into learning songs...no music theory or chord progressions to slow you down. You simply pound out "Mercedes Benz" with your best Janis Joplin voice until your fingers bleed and you feel like a master.
Case in point--I had my first class Thurs (compliments of the best boy ever) and I enjoyed every minute of it. I learned chords called "D" and "A7" and through those two, I was able to play at least 4 songs that night. Incredible, I say. I felt the confidence of a true guitar player shine through my actual novice status solely because I could play an entire song. There is truly something to that--the sense accomplishment, especially on the first day. I think the instructors know that and that is why they use this "just get in there and play" technique. It is much more rewarding than talking about the music and chords and beats, etc. the entire class.
After jamming for two hours straight on Hank Williams, Bob Marley, Janis and Merle Haggard, I finished my beer (yes, I had beer while I played. Genius!) and walked to the train abuzz with pride.
Then I noticed the massive blister on the side of my thumb. It came so fast, without warning. But it was there, shouting out for me to pay attention to it with a throbbing pain I have not ever experienced on that part of my body before. The blister stayed for 3 days, not popping but threatening to every time I used the keyboard on the computer at work(which was often.) It made my whole thumb hot, despite the dropping Chicago tempatures, quite a feat, I must say.
I kept a close watch on it, waiting for the enevitable pop, only to be slightly disappointed when I woke up Saturday hung over and saw that somehow during the night while I slept, the liquid found a way to drain out undetected. All that remained of my tight little bubble was a deflated sack hanging off my thumb. And no wet spot anywhere on the bed to show for it. Oh well. At least it didn't explode in an embarassing scene somewhere public. I guess I should be grateful. So I will.
Now I am looking forward to the next lesson. I hope guitar doesn't end up like mandolin class, where my excitement for it lasted through the second session, and then suddenly I found myself so damn lost that my fingers looked at me in confusion and said "you want us to do WHAT? No way, we're outta here," and promptly gave up.
I think guitar is a little more accessible than mandolin, though, so maybe it will be a while before they introduce things that overwhelm my dumb fingers so much that they retreat back into my pockets in fear. I certainly hope so. I want to be able to rock any time, anywhere. That is my goal.
Here is to trying a new awesome thing. We should all make sure we are doing that whenever we start to get too comfortable. Challenges (even large bubbly ones on the side of our thumbs) are wonderful and necessary to our sense of pride in ourselves. May we all embrace them with glee.
Case in point--I had my first class Thurs (compliments of the best boy ever) and I enjoyed every minute of it. I learned chords called "D" and "A7" and through those two, I was able to play at least 4 songs that night. Incredible, I say. I felt the confidence of a true guitar player shine through my actual novice status solely because I could play an entire song. There is truly something to that--the sense accomplishment, especially on the first day. I think the instructors know that and that is why they use this "just get in there and play" technique. It is much more rewarding than talking about the music and chords and beats, etc. the entire class.
After jamming for two hours straight on Hank Williams, Bob Marley, Janis and Merle Haggard, I finished my beer (yes, I had beer while I played. Genius!) and walked to the train abuzz with pride.
Then I noticed the massive blister on the side of my thumb. It came so fast, without warning. But it was there, shouting out for me to pay attention to it with a throbbing pain I have not ever experienced on that part of my body before. The blister stayed for 3 days, not popping but threatening to every time I used the keyboard on the computer at work(which was often.) It made my whole thumb hot, despite the dropping Chicago tempatures, quite a feat, I must say.
I kept a close watch on it, waiting for the enevitable pop, only to be slightly disappointed when I woke up Saturday hung over and saw that somehow during the night while I slept, the liquid found a way to drain out undetected. All that remained of my tight little bubble was a deflated sack hanging off my thumb. And no wet spot anywhere on the bed to show for it. Oh well. At least it didn't explode in an embarassing scene somewhere public. I guess I should be grateful. So I will.
Now I am looking forward to the next lesson. I hope guitar doesn't end up like mandolin class, where my excitement for it lasted through the second session, and then suddenly I found myself so damn lost that my fingers looked at me in confusion and said "you want us to do WHAT? No way, we're outta here," and promptly gave up.
I think guitar is a little more accessible than mandolin, though, so maybe it will be a while before they introduce things that overwhelm my dumb fingers so much that they retreat back into my pockets in fear. I certainly hope so. I want to be able to rock any time, anywhere. That is my goal.
Here is to trying a new awesome thing. We should all make sure we are doing that whenever we start to get too comfortable. Challenges (even large bubbly ones on the side of our thumbs) are wonderful and necessary to our sense of pride in ourselves. May we all embrace them with glee.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Open Letter to Chicago Public Transit System:
Dear CTA,
Words cannot express how much I love you, despite all your flaws. Look, I have loved many times, and I really think with you, I can forgive all the things about you that really get my goat, and just find a higher plane with us.
On Weekend nights, I think about how fast you get us all away from our shitty day jobs and into our nightlife, and I am amazed at your speed and dedication. I wonder how you feel about having to go back and forth all night instead of partying down as well. I am sure you miss the raging fun, but at least you get to see it in transition, from one social gathering to another. Sometimes the train cars even become a mini party of their own due to drunken idiots! What fun! They bring the party to you, CTA. That is how much we love you.
I often curse your name when I have already brought it upon myself to be late to work, and you add to the problem by being late as well. And sometimes I get annoyed that you dont have more seats. Or you take a turn to quick and make me mash into another rider, thus breaking my silent morning and forcing me to utter "sorry" in my gravelly pre-coffee voice.
But despite all this, I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I need you in my life, always. I can't see myself without you, and my future looks so beautiful as long as you are around. So I will get over all my issues with you and keep trying to find new ways to love you and all you bring me each day.
Sincerely,
Yours forever,
Your sweet loving rider,
Leanne
Dear CTA,
Words cannot express how much I love you, despite all your flaws. Look, I have loved many times, and I really think with you, I can forgive all the things about you that really get my goat, and just find a higher plane with us.
On Weekend nights, I think about how fast you get us all away from our shitty day jobs and into our nightlife, and I am amazed at your speed and dedication. I wonder how you feel about having to go back and forth all night instead of partying down as well. I am sure you miss the raging fun, but at least you get to see it in transition, from one social gathering to another. Sometimes the train cars even become a mini party of their own due to drunken idiots! What fun! They bring the party to you, CTA. That is how much we love you.
I often curse your name when I have already brought it upon myself to be late to work, and you add to the problem by being late as well. And sometimes I get annoyed that you dont have more seats. Or you take a turn to quick and make me mash into another rider, thus breaking my silent morning and forcing me to utter "sorry" in my gravelly pre-coffee voice.
But despite all this, I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I need you in my life, always. I can't see myself without you, and my future looks so beautiful as long as you are around. So I will get over all my issues with you and keep trying to find new ways to love you and all you bring me each day.
Sincerely,
Yours forever,
Your sweet loving rider,
Leanne
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