In the morning

Every morning I awake to the sounds of 70's classic rock due to my fiance's obsession with the radio station 97.1 The Drive in Chicago.

Perhaps it is "Radio Gaga" by Queen. Or maybe a little Elton or Billy Joel or Zep. Whoever it happens to be that welcomes me into the new day, they always get cut off mid-chorus by the snooze button. I hit this lovely little piece of modern genius at least 3 times every morning. I set my alarm about 30 min earlier than the time I actually want to get out of bed in anticipation of this habit. I sometimes even manage to hit it an extra time or two and run around late as a result.

Once I have hit snooze the appropriate (or inappropriate) amount of times, I get my brain on straight and I re-set the alarm for my bedmate. He absolutely loves that I do this for him. Apparently it makes him feel more loved and cared for than anything else I could possibly say or do. When a day comes along where I get to sleep in later than him and he has to set his own alarm, the devastation in his face is heartbreaking. It almost makes me agree to set it for him anyway. Almost.

Now that the alarm is set for my fiance, I move on to my Blackberry. Sick, internet-addicted soul that I am, I check to see if I missed anything important in the night. Perhaps a sweet deal from Travel Zoo or a drunken text from a friend?

After this comes the glasses. Ever since I stopped being able to see my sophomore year of high school, glasses by my night stand have been an essential part of my day. If ever I forget to put them on, I end up slamming into anything and everything in the room. My bruised shins have made putting on the glasses a major priority in my brain so it is rare I forget these days.

On to the part where I get out of bed. This is a laborious task that requires a great deal of strength and determination. After all, there is a very warm cozy body next to me, and staying with it seems very enticing compared to the idea of stepping on to my cold ice block of a floor. I usually take a few deep breaths, moan softly in mourning for my sleep and fun dreams, and hoist myself up to sitting position.

Once there is it easier to get the rest of the way up to standing. I go to my bedroom door and take the bright red robe off the hook and slip myself into it. This robe was a gift from Adam and is one of the softest things I have ever had the pleasure of putting on my body. I used to say that I felt like I was wrapped in a vagina when I first got it. That is the only word I could use to convey the level of soft warmth I was feeling. I don't say that too much anymore. Like we all do with many things, I have gotten used to it.

Next up is opening the door and stepping into the kitchen. I almost always see a shadowy figure standing by the stove. Almost always. And then after a terrible heart skipping moment, I let my eyes adjust and realize that it was only an illusion due to the darkness and a microwave and perhaps a plant. It is a really strange thing I have come to expect now--seeing someone standing in the kitchen. I am sure if someone actually were standing in the kitchen some morning, I would just assume it was my eyes playing tricks and float right past him to the bathroom to pee.

Obviously I just gave away the next thing I do.

After that, I get in the shower and finally start to feel functional. Depending on if I feel like thinking or not, I might turn on the clock radio (again always set to 97.1 The Drive) and listen to more 70's classic rock.

After all of this, I am sure my morning begins to look a lot like any other person's morning. Hair styling, perhaps makeup if you are a female, maybe cereal or oatmeal, a quick brushing of the teeth hopefully.

Once I am prepared, I go online and check the Bus Tracker website the CTA has so kindly created for me to view when my next Belmont Bus will arrive on the corner of my street. I leave only when there is 5 min until a bus. Nothing more, nothing less. I suit up however I need to--for winter it is pretty much the same boots, coat scarf, gloves and hat every work day; in the summer, maybe I will be in flip flops or even have my bike gear ready opt for riding the ole girl the 6 miles to work.

I thought it might be fun to explore something extremely routine to me and somehow make it very detailed and fascinating to someone else. Hope that was as fun for you as it was for me.

But somehow I doubt it.

Of Weddings and Nightmares

Dear Internet,

Last night, my fiance and I got confirmation that our deposit for our wedding venue has been processed, and as they say, "It's on."

I promptly went to bed and had a terrible wedding nightmare. My first official one, I suppose. That I remember, anyway. I woke up upset and freaked out like any good Bridezilla would be.

So here is what went down. We set up our wedding time and date, and apparently we lived only a two hour drive from Mexico (that can happen in dreams--go figure). So I had decided not to choose a wedding dress until a few hours before the ceremony. I had white dresses strewn all over the place, but all of them were pretty lame or too big or whatever. So suddenly it dawns on me (like it does in dreamworld) that we only had about 2 hours before our time slot began. Adam was nowhere to be found.

Turns out, he was stuck back at home, a whole 2 hours AWAY from our venue. I hopped in the car with my mother and sped into California 405 Freeway-style traffic to go get him. About 1.5 hours into our trip, the traffic got so bad that I just gave up on the whole thing and headed back to "Mexico."

By the time we got back, we were 30 min into our time slot and the coordinator was running around, trying to get me to get ready for our ceremony. I tried to explain the dilemma of no fiance, but could not get the point across. I ended up picking a crappy dress, throwing it on, and standing in front of all these strangers, drinking red wine while an officiant performed a generic ceremony for just me alone at the alter. I spilled red wine all over my white gown while I waited for the hell to be over.

Then I had a dinner buffet with all these strangers at my terrible wedding. My mother forced me to be cordial despite my devastation. And at the end of it all, I was presented with a bill for $15,000 for the whole non-event. I burst into tears. Then I woke up.

So apparently wedding nightmares are pretty common. But why so early? I still have way over a year to figure it all out. At this rate, I will be a basket case by Autumn.

Two Years Ago Today

I was at my boyfriend's house on a particularly cold and snowy Saturday morning in Chicago when my mother called, frantic that my father was not doing well. I was not that surprised, as Dad had not been doing well for about 9 months, on and off. She told me to be prepared to come home again very soon. I hung up the phone and bawled for 2 hours.

After staring into space and letting my cheeks dry out from the rivers of tears I let loose, I mustered up the strength to get ready for a clinic session at my massage school. As I dressed myself, my phone rang again. It was my sister this time. "Dad just died," was all she said.

This time I called my clinic supervisor and let her know I would not be coming in today. Then I let myself be held by my boyfriend and cried some more. I tried to call my mother but our conversation was barely coherent. She had lost it and would need some time to get her mind around everything that had just happened.

I ended up spending the next few days in an emotional blur, sometimes functioning okay, sometimes very very down. The thing that really got me through that time, besides my amazing boyfriend, was watching Planet Earth.

Each DVD was more beautiful and distracting than the next, and Signorney Weaver's voice lulled me into a peace I will ever be thankful for. I would lie on the couch with my head on Adam's lap, drifting in and out of tearful consciousness while wolves hunted helpless goats and Birds of Paradise performed their eerie, unique mating rituals with gusto.

The Planet Earth series did three things for me during this difficult first few days.

One, it allowed me to feel close to my father, because we used to watch "Nature" on PBS all the time, and his fascination with all creatures great and small was so overwhelming to him that it often caused him to shout, "Leanne! Come here! Did you see that!? Can you believe it?"

Two, it allowed me to view the whole wide world beyond my family and our loss. To see how small we are in the scheme of things and to appreciate life in all forms, and accept the inevitability of death due to the world's cyclical nature.

Three, it gave me great distraction, but simple enough distraction that I could fall asleep and miss some things. Which was honestly exactly what I needed at the time.

Though what seems like a lot of time has passed, my father's absence still rings out from time to time. Holidays are a little tough. His birthday. The usual things.

But today, on the two year anniversary of his death, it feels strange. I noted it in the calendar. I made sure to think about him this past weekend. I reminded my boyfriend, now fiance, of the anniversary. I will call my mother after this post to check in and see how she is. But there is a weird sort of hiccup to my emotional response to the day. I did not feel anything. I had a few "face-contorting" moments where tears threatened to fall, then they ran away, skittish.

I am wondering if this means I am "getting over it" or that a storm is a-brewing. You never know with a girl like me. I should know after 30 years of dealing with my sensitivities.

I have been told that each year it is a little easier to deal with the loss of a loved one.

In the meantime, I think I will go watch some Planet Earth in Dad's honor.

A Glance At The Last Decade

Thinking back, I realized that the "oughts" decade was pretty eventful for me. A lot can happen in ten years, and I am sure a lot more will happen in the next ten. I guess the middle years of one's life usually contain the most drastic changes. As we struggle to find out who we are and what we are good at and what we want out of this short little life of ours, we try on many hats. Locations may change, friend groups may change, priorities shift and sometimes life leads you somewhere you never thought you would be. It is all part of the joy that is our existence.

With old memories and new beginnings in the forefront of my mind, I created a list of accomplishments, major events, and unforgettable moments of the last 10 years for myself. It has been nice to reflect, mourn losses, and celebrate my life thus far. Especially in anticipation of what is ahead. A little brief navel-gazing never hurt anyone. So here goes.

In the first decade of the 21st century:

I rang in NYE 2000 at a fancy Arabic house party where we wore nice evening gowns and a belly dancer with the number "2000" on her ass danced in the new year for us

I got my first corporate job at the Marriott Hotel in Newport Beach, CA

I remember experiencing a crazy earthquake on top of a parking garage with my friend Jeff

I remember sitting on the hood of Jeff's car in a very dark and creepy forest listening to the newest Ani DiFranco album and being deeply moved

I transferred to Cal State Fullerton and finished there in 2003 with a double major in Acting and Radio/TV/Film

I remember being terrified on my first day of college at CSUF and knowing NO ONE and being shy for the first time in my life

I remember many nights up late philosophizing on my porch with Nate Milton once he came back into my life

I had a short online friendship with Kyle Gas from Tenacious D and got him to give me back stages passes to their concert and even come out and meet me for some shows in LA a few times

I remember when the towers fell and acting class was canceled, I went to a bar across the street with a few friends and watched the news for hours in complete shock while eating nachos

I remember realizing that my love for my best friend was not the kind of love I thought it was, and finally being at peace with that

I fell in love with a boy while watching him on stage and not only chased him but got him for a while

I got my first PA job doing game shows

I remember working all day and all night and being the Main Writer's assistant on one game show I worked on

I sang on stage in an LA club with singer/songwriter Matt Nathanson

I starred in the Shakespeare play "The Merry Wives of Windsor"...TWICE!

I lost both grandparents on my mom's side within a week of each other

I worked as a PA for E! Entertainment and got my first taste of television production

I waitressed my ass off and paid off my debts

I had my Blue Period after graduation

I had a fling with an Egyptian boy named Mohammed

I drove Cross-country with mom to Chicago

I saw the Grand Canyon

I found my own place and a job in my first week in Chicago

I tried internet dating

I took an Improv class at IO

I met my future husband at a 4th of July BBQ where he cured my hiccups with peanut butter

I remember the first timehe kissed me on Seminary Street after our first date

I discovered biking

I saw Detroit, The Wisconsin Dells, and the beauty of Lake Michigan hikes

I went to Hawaii for the first time, which was the first and last big family trip we took before we lost my dad

I remember swimming with sea turtles and hearing whales underwater in Maui

I remember Adam and I taking a nap next to Lake Michigan on our first camping trip together

I entered the official Chicago corporate world

I got licensed for insurance and investments

I performed in 4 plays in Chicago

I remember going on a drunken trolley tour of Chicago for a friend's bday and having one of the best nights of my life

I lived alone for a year

I completed massage therapy school and got licensed

I remember being on the plane to Fresno when I found out my father had cancer, and how the clouds looked out the window while I listened to some weird New Age-y music

I lost my father to pancreatic cancer in early 2008

I remember standing in front of a sea of faces at my old grade school church while I read my father's eulogy

I got job at a spa while still working my other corporate job

I discovered kickball and volleyball

I moved in with my boyfriend

I remember my first experience at a lake house when I just spent hours in the lake floating and drinking and having one of the best times ever with some really great people

I remember my first New Year's Eve party in 2008-2009

I visited a tiny Mexican town and camped on the beach in Mexico

I saw my sister get married and learned about my future niece's arrival (coming soon!)

I skydived

I got engaged

I remember landing from my sky dive and seeing Adam get on one knee and being so utterly shocked

I turned 30 yrs old

Well, that is all I could think of thus far. What a decade it has been!

Here is to 2010 and more growth and learning to come. Thanks for revisiting those times and places and memories with me. Cheers!

It Has Been a Whole YEAR...

since I wrote something here.  And that is unacceptable. I can't believe I let that much time pass. I mean, I wrote other things in other places, sure. But barely. This was supposed to be the place I got creative and vented and shared and whatnot. And the last post on JAN 12, 2009 is staring me in the face as if to mock me.

Well, self, I truly apologize. I never meant to neglect you and your thoughts and feelings and musings. It's just...well, it has been an eventful year. 

I got another job. Now I work at two different places, 7 days a week. 

I got engaged. I went from spending time staring at rings to staring at my particular ring to staring at wedding dresses to staring at wedding venue websites...you get the picture. I've been busy, I tell you!

But these are just excuses for avoiding something with which I have a love-hate relationship. It has always been like that...probably always will be. Writing and I--well, we enjoy each other's company quite a bit but then something will come between us, and a fight will ensue, and it will take us a while to come around again. But we always do come around, and that is comforting.

So let us add "updating this blog" to my already long list of New Years Resolutions for 2010. 

Want to know some others? Here goes:

• Work out at least 3 times a week
• Focus on eating healthier
• Solidify the wedding date and location and get "save the dates" out
• Find a better second job or a new job entirely
• Finish at least 5 scenes for a book I am writing
• Workshop a monologue and go on a few auditions
• Put time aside to meditate
• Make better use of my downtime at home 
  

Well, these are some loftly goals but I bet I can at least make a dent in 2 or 3 of them. Wish me luck!