I have an itch. An itch to go away again.

I get these twinges, almost like a nervous tic in my heart. But it is a feeling, very sharp, very intense. A feeling that I need to get out of here and travel. I hear about everyone around me and how they are going places, and I get this searing white flash of jealousy and longing whenever I hear about their awesome travels to places I have only dreamed of.

And now I have started the job I got in order to make me stable and make my life predictable. And now I can't go away for a while. Why is it when I had the most flexible and lucrative job, I had little desire to travel, and that would have been the best time to do so? Why am I so antsy now that I have a routine to uphold? Maybe BECAUSE I have a routine I am feeling this way.

But I know other people who have a routine job and still manage to be adventurous here and there. Maybe I can too! But for some reason it seems a bit out of my reach at the moment...

You know what I think is a sadder realization than wanting to travel so badly? Realizing that I have no one to go with. Sure, I have my occasional friends and my boyfriend. But none of them would be able to plan a trip with me due to their busy lives and jobs. I think my boyfriend used up most of his vacation time to tour with his comedy group, so we can squeeze a quick weekend jaunt in before the end of the year and that is about it. When I think of traveling, I think of going with him, but that is out of the question. AS for friends...jeez I can only think of one single person who MIGHT go on a trip with me. And she has no money and no job so that is not possible either. My other friends all live lives across the country (or out of the country) and can't afford it either. Neither can I, really, but if someone was excited to travel with me somewhere, I would find a way. I know it.
And here in Chicago...here I pretty much have deep aquaintances. I am not knocking my wonderful aquaintances. Without them, I would be lonlier than lonely. But sometimes having so many aquaintances can make me feel pretty darn lonely regardless.
Somehow, being in a room full of people that you don't know all that well but who all seem to know each other real well, can be one of the the lonliest moments. And knowing that these people are all kind and interesting, but you have nothing that much in common or just don't connect quite right with them, at least not enough to feel really close...it can leave you feeling a bit disjointed. And you think to yourself, "these people have meaningful relationships with others here, what can't I? And jeez, do any of these people even know anything meaningful about me besides what I do for a job?"
Then you try to say something to connect, you reach out. And no one hears because the music is too loud or they were too busy thinking of the next story about themselves that they wanted to tell. And so each time you hang out with these people, any of these people, you get quieter and quieter until you are suddenly attacked with adult onset shyness and what the hell is that?! You are social. You are magnetic. When you want to be. Why haven't you wanted to be?
What the hell has taken over you lately?
Is this why you have so few good friends? Or is this the result that occcurs from having so few real ones? Analyzing and attacking yourself in stupid ways in your head about your ability to make friends?

Is this what they mean when they say the word "pathetic?" I certainly feel that way right now.

Now, I was going to not publish this post because it turned into a random stream of consciousness and ended with me attacking myself (which happens from time to time when I write my true feelings). But part of me wanted to leave it up in case there is someone out there who understands this thought pattern I have (as negative as it can be) and maybe someone who is feeling a little of this and is too afraid to voice it or admit it because lets face it, it sounds really stupid, some of this crap.
So now I think I will leave it up so that secretly, someone may be relieved I wrote about this, and maybe they don't feel so embarrassed about relating to me on this topic. Or maybe no one understands what I just wrote and I am the only freak whose brain goes from "I want to travel" to "Oh my god my life sucks." If that is the case, then here I am, the fool on the hill. Well, maybe people who know me will understand how I get so dark so quick sometimes. You just witnessed my thought process. There you go.

At the risk of seeming a little nutty, this posting will stay up for as long as I can stand reading it. May only be a day or so. We shall see.
That is all. I am done with my head.

Jim Carrey said something that got me thinking...

I know. Jim Carrey. Who would have thought?

But needless to say, what he said in an interview for his new and awesomely terrible-looking movie was something to the effect of:

I would never want to go back to my twenties. It was like the decade of fear for me. It seemed I did everything out of fear.

Wow. Even Jim Carrey went through this? Cool. I mean, not cool that it has to happen at all, but nice to know that half the brilliant, almost scary funny stuff he was desperately pulling out of his ass all through the "In Living Color" years was probably motivated by fear. Even the most seemingly talented, put together successful people are running blindly for their lives to escape that horrible "what if" feeling the twenties presents you with.

I guess it stuck with me because it gave me some hope that if I just push through this, maybe I won't be as scared someday. Maybe I will just come into my own and reach bliss and confidence later in life.

Who said that your prime has to be your twenties? I guess the media makes us think so, maybe the way we revere young people who are successful so early. The push to be amazing at 21 is a strong one these days. ( you are also cuter than you will ever be at that age, so that doesn't help much.)

Maybe some of us are on the path that our twenties are made of fear, and we will blossom later.
Maybe we just needed a little time.

When I make big decisions, I often take my time with them. I took a year to move to Chicago. I talked about selling my car for months before I did it. Maybe this simple observation about my behavior on a daily basis is reflective of my big picture as well. I will get there, just a bit on the slower side, but I will get there regardless.

Thanks, Jim Carrey. You made me feel a little less crazy. I never thought you of all people would help me through my twenties. But look at that. You have. I think. I don't know, I will let you know in a few months once I am sure.

I pace the living room anxiously. I am antsy and nothing sounds right to do. I should have worked out. Didn't happen. I should play guitar. Ugh. I could watch TV. Groan.

I am waiting for my laundry to be done.
It is late and I want to go to bed.
I hate this.
This obligation errand, done in the comfort of your own home, yet somehow even more annoying that way.

I don't want to get involved in anything too deep, because soon the ding will happen and I can finally sleep. But I don't like doing nothing and feeling useless, either.

I can only think about how I spent too much money today. How I should have gotten more sleep yesterday. How I don't want to go to work. How I just want to hug my boyfriend all night.

All these things run around my mind like so many pinballs, bouncing around aimlessly, getting exited for a second, then lolling slowly back to the propellors, to be pinged again in another direction.

I hate this.
We spend a great deal of our lives waiting--in line, for the mail to come, for friends to meet us at the bar, for the elliptical machine to be free at the gym...
for our laundry to be done.
How sad, if you really think about it. We are always waiting.
It can be as small as waiting for the internet to connect (damn you, dial up!) or as huge as waiting for one's "big break" in whatever career choice one has chosen.
We wait, and in the meantime?
In the meantime what?
We pace. We ping thoughts around. We blog on about nothing in particular. We check our cell phones for phantom ringing.

I just want to sleep.
I guess I will go check on the clothes now.

I am going to see what font Lucida Grande has to offer.

This font sounds like a lovely old Mexican Grandmother who will cuddle with you and make you Mexican Hot Chocolate when it is 2 degrees outside...

Where are you, Lucida? I need you!

Here is a list of things I hear all the time at my job but really don't know what the hell they truly are:

AAPB
TIB
Mutual Fund
Dividend
Allocation
Death Benefit
LTC
Netexpro
ISA
POS


Ok well there is more but I can't remember them. That is how far out of my vocab they are.

This is fun. I am learning. It is like school all over again.
Right?