Ultra Cool


Today I am going in to see the endocrinologist about the ultrasound I had done last week. Missing a few hours of work is nice, but my stomach is turning a bit at the thought of what she might say. What if it grew? It probably has, it has been 4 whole years since my last ultrasound. What if she thinks we should do more and I don't want to or have the money to do anything?

Having a "pre-existing" condition seems pretty stressful so far. I don't like feeling like there is something impending in my body that I have to watch closely. I don't even have the energy to clean my house sometimes. How the hell do I keep an eye on myself and my body's slight daily shifts and symptoms? I get stressed out by the whole thing, so I tend to avoid thinking about it if possible.

I need to create a Zen place for myself where I don't stress out and everything can be going on and yet I am strong. Somewhere in my head, I need that place to go. I think I will use some of that meditation that I have dabbled in for so many years and create a place to be clear and calm and open to whatever fate I need to face in this life. There is only one life, after all, and I don't want to spend it thinging about what might happen. I just want to live in it.