I am hesitant to write today but was pulled to my blog nonetheless.

Life is going along, but lately I am feeling as if it is going along without me. I am pulled through situations and sort of bending and flexing, like a drunk person falling down a cliff--they say they survive things like that because they are numb and flexible when intoxicated. Trouble is, I am not intoxicated, nor do I want to be. I need to be present for all this. This is all really big to me right now, and later it will probably appear very small. A mere dent on the car I am driving through time...

Until then, I am walking in a bit of a clarity haze. Can I say that? Does that make sense to anyone but me? I feel really clear, sort of peaceful, but also constantly in my head, wandering in a head space I don't really know what to do with.

I am starting to doubt myself. What I knew, what I know, what I trust in...
I am not really sure what kind of person I really am in difficult situations. I used to know--I was a little weak, I was insecure, clinging to the past, intimidated into doing things, or even sometimes doing things for the wrong reasons--for the drama of it all.

Do I still like drama?
Yeah...I do. Can I consciously try to avoid it? Sure.
Do I want to? I don't know. It follows me anyway, it seems.

I guess drama and suffering is the stuff of life and I should embrace it. But having had a taste of what felt like comfort and support, ease and contentment, I found myself avoiding drama just to try to maintain that stasis. But it is impossible. It always comes up, as long as people keep trying to be intimate and connected to one another.

All of this probably sounds really criptic and sort of surface...I think that is all I can write, without getting into too much detail. I don't even know if I can think about details right now. The big picture is what is glaring in my face right now. And that whole "forrest for the trees" saying is working oddly for me right now. I see this huge fucking forrest and it is all fuzzy and vast and I can't make out anything close up--the outline of each individual tree is blurring before my eyes. Or maybe its just the tears. It could be that too. Either way, I can't quite grasp what baby steps I need to do. But I am attempting to walk them anyway, blindly almost.

I don't know what else I can do...
or write...
I am spent...