Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ultra Cool


Today I am going in to see the endocrinologist about the ultrasound I had done last week. Missing a few hours of work is nice, but my stomach is turning a bit at the thought of what she might say. What if it grew? It probably has, it has been 4 whole years since my last ultrasound. What if she thinks we should do more and I don't want to or have the money to do anything?

Having a "pre-existing" condition seems pretty stressful so far. I don't like feeling like there is something impending in my body that I have to watch closely. I don't even have the energy to clean my house sometimes. How the hell do I keep an eye on myself and my body's slight daily shifts and symptoms? I get stressed out by the whole thing, so I tend to avoid thinking about it if possible.

I need to create a Zen place for myself where I don't stress out and everything can be going on and yet I am strong. Somewhere in my head, I need that place to go. I think I will use some of that meditation that I have dabbled in for so many years and create a place to be clear and calm and open to whatever fate I need to face in this life. There is only one life, after all, and I don't want to spend it thinging about what might happen. I just want to live in it.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

You'll be fine. just stay positive and you'll figure it out. And you've got a basket full of friends who can try to create zen for you, if you need it. ;)

sonds said...

And I can let you know when the Victory's Banner peeps do another series of meditations above their restaurant. I've been meaning to go, but always forget. It's hard to be calm in a city. love, sonds