I have officially flew the coop. Ok well maybe not entirely, but in spirit at least. I am transitioning from running my ass around a restaurant for shitty tippers to sitting at a desk and smiling at everyone. Yes, I have gone to temping, everyone. And in this moment of transition, I have realized a thing or 2...or 5.

1) I hate people
I know, it seems a bit much. But honestly, after working at a restaurant in a MALL, you see quite a plethora of people. All different walks of life come in. And it ain't pretty. So maybe I don't hate all people, but a great many that I have come across. I have probably come across more wackos treating me like shit than the average joe who has all limbs or isn't horribly disfigured. That is impressive. And it has caused me to hate people, whether I want to or not.

2) I am not a friendly person
I used to be. Seriously. Ask anyone from like...3 years ago or so. I can even fake friendly still! But I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not, by nature, friendly anymore. Friendly has become something I put on to get a tip. An act. And so genuine friendliness is long dead. I want to be friendly. But when I try, I just sound high pitched and insincere. Ever seen pictures where a person is smiling but their eyes are kinda dead? That is me most of the time when I try to be friendly these days.

3) I am lazy.
This is the worst. I don't think I always was...I double majored in college! That's something, right? Something a highly motivated person would do, right? Anyway I am too tired and listless to write anymore about that one...

4) I love change, yet fear it with such a fierceness.
It's like my abusive husband or something. I love it, I believe that it is good for me, yet it wears me down so that I have no self esteem left! I get anxious when it is close, crave it when it is away.

5) I kinda suck at office jobs so far.
At least it feels like it. Maybe it is the role of the temp to feel this way. But I want to relax and have a good time and meet everyone and laugh and be crude and stuff here and there, WHILE still getting shit done, and done well. Why can't an office have it both ways? Maybe I am just starting out in the wrong office. We shall see. But I do feel very stifled in this environment. Sorta like I am in Church or something.

6) Being poor is scary but sometimes necessary.
To get where you need to go, you gotta suck it up sometimes and be poor. Entry level office jobs help that, because you go home and make dinner and then are so tired you don't go out and spend money. So being a loser after 9pm saves you money and allows you to work at an office without feeling too poor! It's a lovely cycle, really.

7) I can still change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is my favorite one. I was miserable waiting tables. I don't like hating people...It takes way more effort to hate than to not hate. So I am quitting (sort of...cutting back...hey I move slowly, ok?!) in order to love people again. I want to feel bad for the old lady crossing the street alone, not think "that old bitch would probably ask for hot water and tip me 10 percent!"
I want to be friendly again! I want to genuinely smile at a stranger or go out of my way to talk to new people without being exhausted from talking to people I don't want to talk to all day while waiting tables! So I stopped waiting tables as much so I could try to get that back.
I want to be active, not lazy! I want to have energy and a more routine schedule so I can be more disciplined with my craft and therefore more productive! So I am trying to do just that.
I want to be good at office work! So when I find the job I actually want to do, I can be ready for it with all my office knowledge and experience!
I want to be poor!
Wait a minute. Ok that is the only thing I changed that bites. Oh well. Can't have it all I guess.
But you can try to make efforts to have some. And that is what I am attempting. Wish me luck!