Things I am scared of right now...

1) The cold setting in
2) My car crapping out and having no money
3) Having to move soon and having no money
4) Starting a career path with an expensive school and having no money
5) Having to ask my mom for money
6) Some sort of catastrophe happening and having no money

I sense a pattern.

It seems I am having a financial breakdown. Again. It seems like only yesterday I was freaking out about money when I quit my waitressing job. But now, after being very frugal for a month or so, I have slipped just a little and got a bit fancy free with my money. (What? A girl can't have a few drinks and a nice movie on a Saturday afternoon? Please.) And suddenly I am back at square one, shivering and scared that if anything disrupts this delicate balance I have going, I will spiral into poor woman's oblivion. I am just perfectly able to pay all my bills and rent and eat and have a few drinks. That is about it. Nothing else can be introduced. Even a fun roadtrip coming up for Thanksgiving is secretly putting me into mini convulsions if I think about it and how I am going to afford to miss 3 whole work days.

Its ridiculous, I know. Stupid and meaningless to worry unnecessarily. But sometimes it feels very necessary. Especially when I am looking to take the plunge into some serious debt for school. The one good thing I had going was my little debt--a few thousand in cc bills. No biggie. NO school loans. Great.

But now...I am about to embark on an academic quest to learn a craft that will be amazing and wonderful to use, supposedly pay well, and hopefully give me some of the purpose I have been seeking for a while. But what if it doesn't? What if I don't get it, or I hurt myself, or I stop halfway through out of circumstances out of my control?

I am hearing my mother's voice in a lot of these thoughts. Her voice in my head likes to team up with my own inner voice and tear down all my excitement for things, only focusing on the hardships and possible horrible worse case senarios.

I hate it.

And I am fighting it. Seriously. I am really trying this time...

I just slip up and get lazy and the voices creep up yet again. So here I am, getting them out and away from my head and out into the ether (or net as it were) and somehow it helps. It may be a quick fix to just get me through the next few days, but it helps.

Anyone have any thoughts or fears they want to contribute? It is always nice to know you aren't alone in your darker moments. It helps to get it out and share with people who understand.

I am here, shaking in my shitty boots I can't afford to replace, willing to listen and empathize.