There were two fires in two days in Chicago this week. The trains have been a mess because of them. I find it odd that they are both so large and disruptive and happened so close together...call me a sassy Nam Vet, but I think its a conspiracy. I think arson is involved and these people lighting these fires are trying to say something. If we all shut up and listen real close, I think we can hear what they are saying, just faintly...fuck all y'all and your stinkin train commutes!
You are right, arsonists! We should not be so hurried to get home. We should enjoy lounging on the platform for a few good minutes (20 to be exact) and read our books, enjoy our carefully selected i-tunes, find comfort in bitching with others about the delays...really take in the good life, you know?
Also, it brings people together. People forced to be nose to nose on the train. Bumping and apologizing all over the place. What spirit this brings to the Big City! And how!
Anyway, stop lighting fires so close to train lines. Its pissing us off. Thanks arsonists. Stay cool. (get it? HA!)
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
A friend of mine was kind enough to reach into my hair while I was bent over and grabbing something out of my bag, pluck a HUGE spiny, dried out grey hair out of its dead follicle, and present it to me as a sort of birthday gift. She said "here you go," or "take a look at that," or something like that, with a big smile on her face. But I didn't even hear her. I just stared at the foreign body between my trembling fingers.
Now I know grey hair shouldn't be a big deal. I guess it is just a part of the aging process. But I am someone who happens to be terrified of getting old, and I happen to be in a bit of an emotional period in my life, and I happen to have never seen a grey hair on my head until that moment. So needless to say, I was a mess.
I honestly was brought to tears by this discovery. My friend of course felt terrible. She thought it was funny because she has many grey hairs, and she was sure I had seen at least one or two already, being the ancient 27 years old I am. But no. She unknowingly pulled out my first and hopefully only one. And got the scare of her life when it brought me to depths of depression as a result. I kept a hold on my tears, unwilling to let them spill. But it was a fine line. They danced on the rims of my eyelids. But not a single drop actually stained my face. Thank the Lord.
I guess I am letting my sadness get the best of me lately. It could be the darkness, the cold, the icy wind unwilling to let me enjoy my time outside and instead confining me to the small surface area of my apartment. I had done well for myself, I think. I was not very sad for about two months. I was freaking out, sure, but it was at a tolerable level I could handle. Now I am feeling a little paralyzed. I will push through it soon, I am sure, but for now it sure is annoying.
I think it was aggrivated by a sudden feeling of utter loneliness. I don't want to be friends with people who don't think I am important enough in their lives to make an effort for me. Why even bother? I am getting to a point where I think I want to let go of people who I don't hear from for a while...stop trying to keep in touch with walls that don't reach out to me as well. I really feel like I don't have a true friend in my vicinity anymore...someone who I can depend on, at least. Even those people I feel close to, I know if I really needed them, unless I was dying on the side of the road, they might be too busy. And I am a culprit too. I don't always make myself available to people when they need me. But usually I will try to make up for it if it happens, make a concerted effort to call or see them as soon as I can. I call even if it has been a while. I don't remember the last time someone did the same.
I think there are friends that fall into the "They just aren't that into you" category. And I am the girl who thinks (wrongly) that the excuses are because they really care, they were just too busy. But really, if they cared, they would make time. Somehow. Maybe not when I wanted it, but sometime soon after. When someone really wants to be with you, they find a way. And so with pals, if they really enjoyed your company and valued you, they would find a way. A lot of my friends "just aren't that into me," not as much as I am into them, I guess. And that is a hard thing to come to terms with, much like it is in a couple situation.
We are also all quite self centered now, in this life. I see it in the people close to me all the time. And sometimes in myself as well. Will that phase ever end? Or is that the only way we can be in this cutthroat capitalistic and cruel society? We have to focus on us or we will not be payed attention to by the world... we will slip through the cracks...
All this makes me wanna just lay down and sleep away the sadness.
Jeez I am so goth right now.
Ugh.
Now I know grey hair shouldn't be a big deal. I guess it is just a part of the aging process. But I am someone who happens to be terrified of getting old, and I happen to be in a bit of an emotional period in my life, and I happen to have never seen a grey hair on my head until that moment. So needless to say, I was a mess.
I honestly was brought to tears by this discovery. My friend of course felt terrible. She thought it was funny because she has many grey hairs, and she was sure I had seen at least one or two already, being the ancient 27 years old I am. But no. She unknowingly pulled out my first and hopefully only one. And got the scare of her life when it brought me to depths of depression as a result. I kept a hold on my tears, unwilling to let them spill. But it was a fine line. They danced on the rims of my eyelids. But not a single drop actually stained my face. Thank the Lord.
I guess I am letting my sadness get the best of me lately. It could be the darkness, the cold, the icy wind unwilling to let me enjoy my time outside and instead confining me to the small surface area of my apartment. I had done well for myself, I think. I was not very sad for about two months. I was freaking out, sure, but it was at a tolerable level I could handle. Now I am feeling a little paralyzed. I will push through it soon, I am sure, but for now it sure is annoying.
I think it was aggrivated by a sudden feeling of utter loneliness. I don't want to be friends with people who don't think I am important enough in their lives to make an effort for me. Why even bother? I am getting to a point where I think I want to let go of people who I don't hear from for a while...stop trying to keep in touch with walls that don't reach out to me as well. I really feel like I don't have a true friend in my vicinity anymore...someone who I can depend on, at least. Even those people I feel close to, I know if I really needed them, unless I was dying on the side of the road, they might be too busy. And I am a culprit too. I don't always make myself available to people when they need me. But usually I will try to make up for it if it happens, make a concerted effort to call or see them as soon as I can. I call even if it has been a while. I don't remember the last time someone did the same.
I think there are friends that fall into the "They just aren't that into you" category. And I am the girl who thinks (wrongly) that the excuses are because they really care, they were just too busy. But really, if they cared, they would make time. Somehow. Maybe not when I wanted it, but sometime soon after. When someone really wants to be with you, they find a way. And so with pals, if they really enjoyed your company and valued you, they would find a way. A lot of my friends "just aren't that into me," not as much as I am into them, I guess. And that is a hard thing to come to terms with, much like it is in a couple situation.
We are also all quite self centered now, in this life. I see it in the people close to me all the time. And sometimes in myself as well. Will that phase ever end? Or is that the only way we can be in this cutthroat capitalistic and cruel society? We have to focus on us or we will not be payed attention to by the world... we will slip through the cracks...
All this makes me wanna just lay down and sleep away the sadness.
Jeez I am so goth right now.
Ugh.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I am Celebrating my 20th Blog by writing in a HUGE font!!!!!!!!
YeeeHawww!
Ok enough of that.
I miss my mother. I do.
I was at my boring temp job, endlessly sealing envelopes, and I was reading a literary magazine called "The Sun" to keep my brain cells active and my eyes open. There is a section called "Readers Write" where people submit short pieces about their experiences with a given topic.It is a wonderfully fresh and interesting section of the magazine, full of many voices and perspectives.
It seemed like there were about 3 or 4 stories in a row about mothers and the sacrifices they made, or their childrens' attempts to connect with them before they die, or how old and decrepid they have gotten in their old age, but how beautiful they still are. I kept coming across these heartfelt tales and being moved to near tears...mostly because I am at a highly emotional time of the month, but also because I am reminded of my own mother and how far away she is. I haven't lived near my mother since I was 17, but I at least saw her every few months in California. Now I see her once a year. Barely. And sometimes I have a clear image of her in the near future as a very old lady, and she is beautiful like the ladies in the stories I read.
Then you know what I do when she calls? I talk for a while, try to relate to her, then end up annoyed and hastily hanging up. I push her away when she is right there ready to talk. After I just lamented on how I wish I could see her more, I am turned into instant brat when one thing she says sets me off. It is ridiculous. I don't understand it. And I know I am not alone with this. Lots of people my age have difficulty seeing family, yet living so far away, we crave it incessantly.
Maybe it is not the family we miss, it's the sense of belonging, the ease of childhood. The comfort. And we may not ever be able to get that back. Maybe we can only try to recreate it by having a family of our own, and becoming that stable comfort for someone else. I guess that idea makes me understand the appeal of children for some people. A way to reach out to that life you miss, and be on the giving end this time, which I am sure is just as rewarding.
After all this, I guess I am really looking forward to visiting my family in California at Christmas. I think even if I get irritated with them, I am going to try to remember how much I missed them while I was here, and push against that feeling.
Family is so weird. As are the emotions they bring out in us, good and bad.
YeeeHawww!
Ok enough of that.
I miss my mother. I do.
I was at my boring temp job, endlessly sealing envelopes, and I was reading a literary magazine called "The Sun" to keep my brain cells active and my eyes open. There is a section called "Readers Write" where people submit short pieces about their experiences with a given topic.It is a wonderfully fresh and interesting section of the magazine, full of many voices and perspectives.
It seemed like there were about 3 or 4 stories in a row about mothers and the sacrifices they made, or their childrens' attempts to connect with them before they die, or how old and decrepid they have gotten in their old age, but how beautiful they still are. I kept coming across these heartfelt tales and being moved to near tears...mostly because I am at a highly emotional time of the month, but also because I am reminded of my own mother and how far away she is. I haven't lived near my mother since I was 17, but I at least saw her every few months in California. Now I see her once a year. Barely. And sometimes I have a clear image of her in the near future as a very old lady, and she is beautiful like the ladies in the stories I read.
Then you know what I do when she calls? I talk for a while, try to relate to her, then end up annoyed and hastily hanging up. I push her away when she is right there ready to talk. After I just lamented on how I wish I could see her more, I am turned into instant brat when one thing she says sets me off. It is ridiculous. I don't understand it. And I know I am not alone with this. Lots of people my age have difficulty seeing family, yet living so far away, we crave it incessantly.
Maybe it is not the family we miss, it's the sense of belonging, the ease of childhood. The comfort. And we may not ever be able to get that back. Maybe we can only try to recreate it by having a family of our own, and becoming that stable comfort for someone else. I guess that idea makes me understand the appeal of children for some people. A way to reach out to that life you miss, and be on the giving end this time, which I am sure is just as rewarding.
After all this, I guess I am really looking forward to visiting my family in California at Christmas. I think even if I get irritated with them, I am going to try to remember how much I missed them while I was here, and push against that feeling.
Family is so weird. As are the emotions they bring out in us, good and bad.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Mustaches Making a Comeback!!! (no, not the good kind)
The topic of female mustaches has come up a few times this week, either in conversation or right in front of my face. Now, I have nothing against mustaches, but when I see a woman with one, I have to wonder--doesn't she KNOW? Doesn't she CARE?
I happen to have friends who are cursed with some dark facial hair above their luscious sexy womanly lips (as if PMS isn't enough to deal with!). Now these lovely ladies are aware of their genetic disposition and take measures to keep things under control. Nair or whatever the kids use these days...
And I never really thought about how good it is that they do this, until I started at my new temp job. There is a woman I will not specify that has very pale skin and a very clear black mustache across her upper lip. I think she may be Italian or even Jewish, and let's face it, both backgrounds provide quite a hairy disposition. Yet she seems not to notice. I think she is the type that would care if she realized how gross it looked. But for some reason she is oblivious. I cannot help but stare at it when she is assigning me my newest slave project. I feel like she is a little woman Hitler with that black stuff going on, dictating what I do for the day.
I am lucky enough to be for the most part hairless, but I know if I suffered a different fate, I would shave that shit. I have a guy friend who shared that he once dated a girl with a tiny mustache, and every now and then he could feel it when he kissed her. He confessed that sometimes it really sicked him out. But he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to upset her.
Why should we all continue to be upset to spare one poor girl from being upset for maybe a day or two (before she shaves that shit)? She will get over it and thank us later. And we get to stop being grossed out whenever milk gets caught in her mustache, making it glisten in the light.
Lets end the female mustache once and for all, people. Tell someone you love to get over her man hair and save us all a little awkwardness every day.
The topic of female mustaches has come up a few times this week, either in conversation or right in front of my face. Now, I have nothing against mustaches, but when I see a woman with one, I have to wonder--doesn't she KNOW? Doesn't she CARE?
I happen to have friends who are cursed with some dark facial hair above their luscious sexy womanly lips (as if PMS isn't enough to deal with!). Now these lovely ladies are aware of their genetic disposition and take measures to keep things under control. Nair or whatever the kids use these days...
And I never really thought about how good it is that they do this, until I started at my new temp job. There is a woman I will not specify that has very pale skin and a very clear black mustache across her upper lip. I think she may be Italian or even Jewish, and let's face it, both backgrounds provide quite a hairy disposition. Yet she seems not to notice. I think she is the type that would care if she realized how gross it looked. But for some reason she is oblivious. I cannot help but stare at it when she is assigning me my newest slave project. I feel like she is a little woman Hitler with that black stuff going on, dictating what I do for the day.
I am lucky enough to be for the most part hairless, but I know if I suffered a different fate, I would shave that shit. I have a guy friend who shared that he once dated a girl with a tiny mustache, and every now and then he could feel it when he kissed her. He confessed that sometimes it really sicked him out. But he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to upset her.
Why should we all continue to be upset to spare one poor girl from being upset for maybe a day or two (before she shaves that shit)? She will get over it and thank us later. And we get to stop being grossed out whenever milk gets caught in her mustache, making it glisten in the light.
Lets end the female mustache once and for all, people. Tell someone you love to get over her man hair and save us all a little awkwardness every day.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Seventeen thousand papercuts later I am done with another excruciating day of stuffing envelopes for idiots. I swear I am not a temp, I am a chump they hired for slave labor. They must do this every year to some poor unsuspecting new temp. I was the goat this time. Damn. Well, lesson learned.
There is this thing happening recently online with some other blogs and with real world friends too. This sudden crisis about life. I mean, its always THERE, but maybe its the drastic change in weather or I don't know what, but people are getting laid off and hating their new job transitions and freaking out A LOT about money. And I am right there with them. How does one do all this living business? I mean the business of making one. Making a living does not seem much like living to me. It is quite the opposite. I feel like I lived more when I waitressed because at least I could make more money if I really wanted and there were always two good days for every miserable one...and there is the whole 5-6 hr shift thing that was nice. Actually I am surprised I don't mind the grind hours as much as I thought I would...its just the money that shocks and appalls me. How do I live off this? Let alone save?
Ok ok blah blah blah
Lets do something that will cheer me up. A list!
Ok...um...how about things I WON'T be for Halloween:
1. 26
2. alone
3. sober (yay!)
4. a "sexy" _____. (fill in whatever occupation normally isn't sexy but gets made sexy for a girlie girl to enjoy her Halloween and get gawked at like she hopes)
5. A republican
6. Michael Jackson
7. Pee Wee Herman (sigh* maybe next year...)
8. Pennywise (ew clowns!)
9. a terd (again)
10. warm (this is Chicago, folks)
11. Hungry (I will most likely get a free meal of some sort from some kind friend)
12. Amish (bad costume this year)
13. Bored (there is always something going on in the city! That is the beauty!)
Happy birthday to me!
PS I am finally going to be a Scarecrow this year, something I wanted to do for a long time but never got around to because of numerous complications. I am gonna be damn cute!
There is this thing happening recently online with some other blogs and with real world friends too. This sudden crisis about life. I mean, its always THERE, but maybe its the drastic change in weather or I don't know what, but people are getting laid off and hating their new job transitions and freaking out A LOT about money. And I am right there with them. How does one do all this living business? I mean the business of making one. Making a living does not seem much like living to me. It is quite the opposite. I feel like I lived more when I waitressed because at least I could make more money if I really wanted and there were always two good days for every miserable one...and there is the whole 5-6 hr shift thing that was nice. Actually I am surprised I don't mind the grind hours as much as I thought I would...its just the money that shocks and appalls me. How do I live off this? Let alone save?
Ok ok blah blah blah
Lets do something that will cheer me up. A list!
Ok...um...how about things I WON'T be for Halloween:
1. 26
2. alone
3. sober (yay!)
4. a "sexy" _____. (fill in whatever occupation normally isn't sexy but gets made sexy for a girlie girl to enjoy her Halloween and get gawked at like she hopes)
5. A republican
6. Michael Jackson
7. Pee Wee Herman (sigh* maybe next year...)
8. Pennywise (ew clowns!)
9. a terd (again)
10. warm (this is Chicago, folks)
11. Hungry (I will most likely get a free meal of some sort from some kind friend)
12. Amish (bad costume this year)
13. Bored (there is always something going on in the city! That is the beauty!)
Happy birthday to me!
PS I am finally going to be a Scarecrow this year, something I wanted to do for a long time but never got around to because of numerous complications. I am gonna be damn cute!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
WARNING!!! The following post is a rant vomit session that you may not want to read for fear it may overwhelm you as much as it did the writer of such filth...proceed with caution:
I have discovered a dilemma with temping. While mindlessly stuffing papers into envelopes and listening to Mike Doughty and the Garden State sountrack for the 18th time in a row on my ghetto MP3 player, I realized that this office work I was doing wasn't mindless. It is mind-full! As in, my mind started to wander into the bad places I try to avoid. Like the places where I get sad and keep thinking about how much my life blows and jesus will I ever be able to afford the things I want, and why am I even here doing this, why aren't I traveling or writing or helping starving children eat some porriage or something!
Then I can't get the thoughts out. They have become a force not to be reckoned with. They dance and laugh at me, swirling in my head like so many brain tumors. I start to let Zack Bratt's music choice effect my mood as well, and suddenly I am almost weeping because right when I realize I am turning 27 in 21 days I hear the lyric "Let go, what are you waiting for, there is beauty in the breakdown...." And so I follow the advice and am now tearing up for reals, oh god, yeah, I am really gonna cry here at this stupid freaking HR desk that isn't even mine. While I stuff pamphlets into envelopes. Pamphlets about the risks of being fat stuffed into envelopes to be mailed to fat people. Oh god this is terrible. I want to leave. I can't leave. I have to make money. I can't even afford to take a class to better myself and get myself the hell out of this situation of having way too much brains and not enough experience to get a real thinking job, instead I have to sit here and do what monkeys could do. And know that I could be actually utilized so much better somewhere else but no one would ever give me a chance because who the fuck am I???
Ok so that was a taste of the bad places my brain went today. Now it is a bit more clear why I choose to avoid these places.
But temping is now a portal to hell, as far as I am concerned. I just think about all the no money I am making and being unhappy. And I feel very stuck though I know I am not. I know I can just "let go, jump in, what am I waiting for?" But somehow even knowing that congnatively, I am paralyzed. I have concrete slabs on my feet and move a lot slower with them. These slabs are made of insecurity and fear. Hooray! help!
I have discovered a dilemma with temping. While mindlessly stuffing papers into envelopes and listening to Mike Doughty and the Garden State sountrack for the 18th time in a row on my ghetto MP3 player, I realized that this office work I was doing wasn't mindless. It is mind-full! As in, my mind started to wander into the bad places I try to avoid. Like the places where I get sad and keep thinking about how much my life blows and jesus will I ever be able to afford the things I want, and why am I even here doing this, why aren't I traveling or writing or helping starving children eat some porriage or something!
Then I can't get the thoughts out. They have become a force not to be reckoned with. They dance and laugh at me, swirling in my head like so many brain tumors. I start to let Zack Bratt's music choice effect my mood as well, and suddenly I am almost weeping because right when I realize I am turning 27 in 21 days I hear the lyric "Let go, what are you waiting for, there is beauty in the breakdown...." And so I follow the advice and am now tearing up for reals, oh god, yeah, I am really gonna cry here at this stupid freaking HR desk that isn't even mine. While I stuff pamphlets into envelopes. Pamphlets about the risks of being fat stuffed into envelopes to be mailed to fat people. Oh god this is terrible. I want to leave. I can't leave. I have to make money. I can't even afford to take a class to better myself and get myself the hell out of this situation of having way too much brains and not enough experience to get a real thinking job, instead I have to sit here and do what monkeys could do. And know that I could be actually utilized so much better somewhere else but no one would ever give me a chance because who the fuck am I???
Ok so that was a taste of the bad places my brain went today. Now it is a bit more clear why I choose to avoid these places.
But temping is now a portal to hell, as far as I am concerned. I just think about all the no money I am making and being unhappy. And I feel very stuck though I know I am not. I know I can just "let go, jump in, what am I waiting for?" But somehow even knowing that congnatively, I am paralyzed. I have concrete slabs on my feet and move a lot slower with them. These slabs are made of insecurity and fear. Hooray! help!
Monday, October 09, 2006
Another day of temping passes through my fingertips.
I worked at Whole Foods today. I filed my sweet little ass off. It was as boring as golf, I tell you. It did not help that I started my day off getting a coffee at 7-11. This is never a wise choice and I should remember that. But sometimes I am daring and adventurous in the bad kind of way, and I challenge what I already know to be true. So the coffee. It was called French Roast and I doused it with french vanilla creamer, as I have many times before. And the resulting concoction tasted exactly like what I imagine piss would taste like. Warm and uriney. It was awful. So my morning started off sour like pee.
And it will hopefully end bitter like beer, for that is where I am headed now. To beerland. Or my local pub. Whatever you wanna call it.
I worked at Whole Foods today. I filed my sweet little ass off. It was as boring as golf, I tell you. It did not help that I started my day off getting a coffee at 7-11. This is never a wise choice and I should remember that. But sometimes I am daring and adventurous in the bad kind of way, and I challenge what I already know to be true. So the coffee. It was called French Roast and I doused it with french vanilla creamer, as I have many times before. And the resulting concoction tasted exactly like what I imagine piss would taste like. Warm and uriney. It was awful. So my morning started off sour like pee.
And it will hopefully end bitter like beer, for that is where I am headed now. To beerland. Or my local pub. Whatever you wanna call it.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
People who have big, boistrious laughs tend to reach higher positions in companies. That is what I have realized today, as another boring office day goes by. Whenever the head of the department laughs, bodies jump in their seats all across the floor. Hers is a laugh that is both jarring and infectious. Quieter women in their cubicles full of Disney characters say things like "Something really funny must be going on over there," and you can hear the envy and curiosity in their meek little voices. Everyone wishes they could be so free, so comfortable and genuinely amused that they could just burst forth such a loud cackle. Even I am momentarily distracted from my very important labeling job.
I think these people who laugh loud are in positions of power because they make everyone around them feel like the funniest person alive. Also, when you are "in on the joke," you get to know the reason for the big laugh and this is pleasing to most people who want to feel important or part of a group. These big laughers make everyone feel "cool."
I know a girl who always seems to get promoted quickly, even when SHE herself isn't quite sure she is qualified to be in whatever position it is. She is a widely known loud laugher, and I think somehow this, along with her obvious charm, has catapulted her to great corporate heights without her really even trying that hard. Thus proving my awesome theory of moving up in Corporate America.
So from now on I am going to try really hard to laugh loud and proud at anything remotely funny, especially from higher ups. Except the ladies with Disney characters in their cubicles. I don't want them to get the wrong impression that they are "cool" or something.
I think these people who laugh loud are in positions of power because they make everyone around them feel like the funniest person alive. Also, when you are "in on the joke," you get to know the reason for the big laugh and this is pleasing to most people who want to feel important or part of a group. These big laughers make everyone feel "cool."
I know a girl who always seems to get promoted quickly, even when SHE herself isn't quite sure she is qualified to be in whatever position it is. She is a widely known loud laugher, and I think somehow this, along with her obvious charm, has catapulted her to great corporate heights without her really even trying that hard. Thus proving my awesome theory of moving up in Corporate America.
So from now on I am going to try really hard to laugh loud and proud at anything remotely funny, especially from higher ups. Except the ladies with Disney characters in their cubicles. I don't want them to get the wrong impression that they are "cool" or something.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
To the left of my boyfriend's apartment building is a church. I walk by most mornings in a sleepy haze, shielding myself from the biting 7am winds and willing the sky to fall in so I don't have to got to work.
Today I was jarred out of my usual angry morning mood by the sight of chalk outlines of bodies on the sidewalk outside the church doors.
Was there some sort of mass murder out here? The bodies were all very small sillouettes. A child massacre?
After further inspection, I realized they were just a product of children having fun with colored sidewalk chalk. All these morbid looking chalk outlines in various poses. They each had the child's name written in nice careful handwriting along the torso. Meaning some adult supervisor had endorsed this chalk outlining as appropriate, and helped make it all happen.
At first I had thought perhaps some kid from the "bad side of town" had shared with the other children the images he sees outside the mini mart near his house--gang shootings resulting in real chalk outlines. "Hey Billy!" he would shout, "We should do what the policeman does!" Commence outlining.
But no, it seems this was an adult induced idea, given the naming of each child's torso, to show who's silloutte was who's. "Danny died of a gunshot," or "Lindsey was pushed out a window and landed with her leg twisted just so." Horrible deaths given real names...
What if we did that with real chalk outlines?
Anyway it was pretty intense and shook me up a bit. My brain wasn't quite prepared to see so many dead bodies strewn all over the sidewalk at 7am.
Today I was jarred out of my usual angry morning mood by the sight of chalk outlines of bodies on the sidewalk outside the church doors.
Was there some sort of mass murder out here? The bodies were all very small sillouettes. A child massacre?
After further inspection, I realized they were just a product of children having fun with colored sidewalk chalk. All these morbid looking chalk outlines in various poses. They each had the child's name written in nice careful handwriting along the torso. Meaning some adult supervisor had endorsed this chalk outlining as appropriate, and helped make it all happen.
At first I had thought perhaps some kid from the "bad side of town" had shared with the other children the images he sees outside the mini mart near his house--gang shootings resulting in real chalk outlines. "Hey Billy!" he would shout, "We should do what the policeman does!" Commence outlining.
But no, it seems this was an adult induced idea, given the naming of each child's torso, to show who's silloutte was who's. "Danny died of a gunshot," or "Lindsey was pushed out a window and landed with her leg twisted just so." Horrible deaths given real names...
What if we did that with real chalk outlines?
Anyway it was pretty intense and shook me up a bit. My brain wasn't quite prepared to see so many dead bodies strewn all over the sidewalk at 7am.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
CTA Moments...
I waited a good amount of time for the train home today. I thought getting off work at 430 would be a blessing for my commute, but it turns out maybe not so much.
A crowded can of sardines at last arrived at the station. I crammed myself in between the doors and found solace in the middle section of the car. I let a small Mexican lady cram in with me and prayed my armpit didn't stink while I held on to the pole above her tiny head. After a day in an office wearing a cheap H&M collared shirt, there is no telling what the funk might be under my arms. Just saying.
I got myself comfortable with the situation.I checked my stance to make sure I could balance despite the train's quick turns and lurches forward and back, and I made sure my MP3 player was at the right volume so I could still vaguely hear the world around me. A double check of my bag--making sure it wasn't accidently open or knocking into someone--completed my checklist. I was ready for a 20 minute train ride home.
About 3 minutes into the ride, I noticed a warmth near me. Being in an overcrowded train, I wasn't surprised. As the Brown Line curves and twists, I often feel body heat from other passengers rub or brush against me. But this was different. It didn't go away. A man behind me and to my left was brushing up against me, not in an offensive "oh my God I can feel his boner" way or anything, but just a subtle sort of forced closeness. It alternated between various places--our arms, our hips, our lower backs...but the contact remained constant. And truthfully, I didn't make huge attempts to move away. I actually enjoyed the feeling of having no idea who he was but getting to feel the pressure of his hip against mine, or sense the heat radiating off his arm hairs, or feeling the weight of the day he had had in his feet. I could sense all of this, quietly, without ever looking him in the eye. And we shared a moment of human contact on the train for no reason beseides we had to- we were squished between a million other people.
These kinds of moments are why I moved to Chicago. In California, I felt the human contact shrinking away. I was always in my car or in a building or in my personal space bubble, rarely having to share much space with anyone. Here, in the city, there are forced interactions, and while at times they are irritating or not wanted, either way you are affected, every day, by your surroundings. No way to entirely "tune out" or not be present. And I like that.
So this guy and I shared a moment where I think we both actually enjoyed the feeling of another person's heat against us, and we let it happen more than we might have needed to. Certainly I let it happen more than if it had been some hairy old lady or something. And it was nice and not creepy but sort of comforting, like we were sharing our day for a moment, without words or eye contact.
I actually made accidental eye contact towards the end and we both turned our heads quickly like it had shattered our perceptions. And then he got off the train shortly after.
Ah,Chicago. How I do love thee.
I waited a good amount of time for the train home today. I thought getting off work at 430 would be a blessing for my commute, but it turns out maybe not so much.
A crowded can of sardines at last arrived at the station. I crammed myself in between the doors and found solace in the middle section of the car. I let a small Mexican lady cram in with me and prayed my armpit didn't stink while I held on to the pole above her tiny head. After a day in an office wearing a cheap H&M collared shirt, there is no telling what the funk might be under my arms. Just saying.
I got myself comfortable with the situation.I checked my stance to make sure I could balance despite the train's quick turns and lurches forward and back, and I made sure my MP3 player was at the right volume so I could still vaguely hear the world around me. A double check of my bag--making sure it wasn't accidently open or knocking into someone--completed my checklist. I was ready for a 20 minute train ride home.
About 3 minutes into the ride, I noticed a warmth near me. Being in an overcrowded train, I wasn't surprised. As the Brown Line curves and twists, I often feel body heat from other passengers rub or brush against me. But this was different. It didn't go away. A man behind me and to my left was brushing up against me, not in an offensive "oh my God I can feel his boner" way or anything, but just a subtle sort of forced closeness. It alternated between various places--our arms, our hips, our lower backs...but the contact remained constant. And truthfully, I didn't make huge attempts to move away. I actually enjoyed the feeling of having no idea who he was but getting to feel the pressure of his hip against mine, or sense the heat radiating off his arm hairs, or feeling the weight of the day he had had in his feet. I could sense all of this, quietly, without ever looking him in the eye. And we shared a moment of human contact on the train for no reason beseides we had to- we were squished between a million other people.
These kinds of moments are why I moved to Chicago. In California, I felt the human contact shrinking away. I was always in my car or in a building or in my personal space bubble, rarely having to share much space with anyone. Here, in the city, there are forced interactions, and while at times they are irritating or not wanted, either way you are affected, every day, by your surroundings. No way to entirely "tune out" or not be present. And I like that.
So this guy and I shared a moment where I think we both actually enjoyed the feeling of another person's heat against us, and we let it happen more than we might have needed to. Certainly I let it happen more than if it had been some hairy old lady or something. And it was nice and not creepy but sort of comforting, like we were sharing our day for a moment, without words or eye contact.
I actually made accidental eye contact towards the end and we both turned our heads quickly like it had shattered our perceptions. And then he got off the train shortly after.
Ah,Chicago. How I do love thee.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
I quit my job I guess. It is finally official.Having a record for being sort of half assed about a lot of things, I handled it in the usual way. I took some time off to try temping, then I never really went back. I called and planned on going in to talk to the boss about it (mentioned in my other blog) but I think God didn't want me to have to do that because it rained so fiercely yesterday. When faced with the rain, I did what any person who didn't really wanna do something would do. I called instead to investigate if it was even worth going down there for. After numerous phone tag calls, The boss and I finally touched base and he seemed even less into the whole talking thing than I was. So we handled it lamely over the phone. But I stressed that I had WANTED to do it right. It just didn't quite work out that way...
And another chapter of my existance is closed. Awkwardly closed, with maybe a doorstop smashed in there just in case, but closed enough for now.
I am not sure why I am so bad at confrontation. I really want to be the person who wows people with her quick thinking and logic, her professional manner and open frankness when she thinks something isn't right. But instead I freeze up when faced with actual eye to eye confrontation about what I really want. I hardly ever seem to know what I really want, and maybe that is my way of staying out of trouble. Knowing what you want means facing the sad truth that you may not get what you want. So instead, I stumble around trying for things halfassedly so i don't get too disappointed when I don't get things.
I don't know what I am really going for with this. It's Sunday and my brain isn't quite up to par. Maybe this is why most people don't blog on the weekends...
Another avoidance of going deeper right now...compliments of Leanne...
And another chapter of my existance is closed. Awkwardly closed, with maybe a doorstop smashed in there just in case, but closed enough for now.
I am not sure why I am so bad at confrontation. I really want to be the person who wows people with her quick thinking and logic, her professional manner and open frankness when she thinks something isn't right. But instead I freeze up when faced with actual eye to eye confrontation about what I really want. I hardly ever seem to know what I really want, and maybe that is my way of staying out of trouble. Knowing what you want means facing the sad truth that you may not get what you want. So instead, I stumble around trying for things halfassedly so i don't get too disappointed when I don't get things.
I don't know what I am really going for with this. It's Sunday and my brain isn't quite up to par. Maybe this is why most people don't blog on the weekends...
Another avoidance of going deeper right now...compliments of Leanne...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
So there is a new Reality TV program on Animal Planet called "Meercat Manor." Cameras follow around a tribe of meercats as they live, learn and love. Apparently it was a big hit last season and they have already began the next installment. I have come up with some alternative spinoff show titles.
Meercat Meth-house
Meercat Megamart
Meercat Mall
Meercat Mercado
Meercat Mansion
Meercat Music Hall
Meercat Menards
Meercat Monster Truck Rally
Meercat Mountain
Meercat 4-story walk-up
Meercat Meth-house
Meercat Megamart
Meercat Mall
Meercat Mercado
Meercat Mansion
Meercat Music Hall
Meercat Menards
Meercat Monster Truck Rally
Meercat Mountain
Meercat 4-story walk-up
Friday, September 29, 2006
Things I have done today at "work":
Watched the entire season premiere of "the office"
Ate a chocolate donut
Put a sticky note on the clear glass door of a conference room
answered the phone 5 times
read 2 newspapers
Prepared 2 Fed Ex envelopes
Opened the front door for people 8 times
Listened to the radio
Faxed some stuff
I am thrilled for the weekend but not looking forward to having to talk to my old boss about what I have been doing for the last few weeks. He thinks I am looking for another job. I actually have another job.
I would like to work just a day a week or something for him, but I doubt that will fly. So until I talk to him I have no idea where this is all going.
He and I have never gotten along, mostly because I get such an intense high school vibe from him. Like he is the Jock I HATED in school, and I am the Nerd girl he feels the need to pick on when he is having a bad day. Recently it had gotten better, we had been sort of almost pleasant to each other. But now that I have angered the gods within him I don't know if I will get a storm or not. I am just vowing to try to be as honest as possible with everyone I encounter lately, and the same goes for him.
Here is how I imagine Saturday's talk will go:
me: hey can I talk to you?
him: Uh, yeah, just let me go take care of some things first.
(he goes to the host desk, shuffles papers, trudges through the dining room into his office, goes online, shops for his kids, then after I wait at the bar for 20 min and get fed up and go into his office, he turns to me)
him: OK. So what's been going on? I haven't had you scheduled for almost 3 weeks.
me: I know. I wasn't real sure what that was all about either. I had requested Saturdays only but I guess you didn't need me those days?
him: well, yeah, I mean, there are people who are actually working regularly who should have priority over your one day request.
me: Right, right. Well I was working on getting some temp work anyway, so it worked out well that you didn't schedule me.
him: so are you quitting?
me: well, I would like to continue on just working Saturdays if you still need me.
him: No, I don't think that will work. It's silly to keep someone on just one day a week.
me: are you sure? Even during Christmas?
him: Yeah, we'll be fine. You can just quit now.
me: Well you know I would really like to put in a two week notice so that I am doing this right...
him: (laughing) you should have done that 2 weeks ago!
me: Well, I didn't know if my little experiment was going to work. Still don't entirely know what I am doing. But I would like to stay on great terms with this company and not just leave abruptly.
him: I don't even know what abruptly means.
me: I know. That's because you are just a stupid Jock who somehow got into a position of authority even though you don't know what the hell is going on half the time and make really bad decisions.
him: Oh yeah. I forgot.
me: of course you did. And you probably will forget again when I am not working here anymore and reminding you all the time.
him: Well maybe that is a good thing.
me: You know, you are right. I don't want to lower my standards and work for someone like you any longer. I think it is better if I just go. You will give me a good review if I need one, right?
him: Oh yeah sure.
me: great thanks!
(I shake his hand and leave free as a bird out the door. He feels foolish and takes out his feelings of inadequacy on his employees, who cringe in terror under his rath.)
Watched the entire season premiere of "the office"
Ate a chocolate donut
Put a sticky note on the clear glass door of a conference room
answered the phone 5 times
read 2 newspapers
Prepared 2 Fed Ex envelopes
Opened the front door for people 8 times
Listened to the radio
Faxed some stuff
I am thrilled for the weekend but not looking forward to having to talk to my old boss about what I have been doing for the last few weeks. He thinks I am looking for another job. I actually have another job.
I would like to work just a day a week or something for him, but I doubt that will fly. So until I talk to him I have no idea where this is all going.
He and I have never gotten along, mostly because I get such an intense high school vibe from him. Like he is the Jock I HATED in school, and I am the Nerd girl he feels the need to pick on when he is having a bad day. Recently it had gotten better, we had been sort of almost pleasant to each other. But now that I have angered the gods within him I don't know if I will get a storm or not. I am just vowing to try to be as honest as possible with everyone I encounter lately, and the same goes for him.
Here is how I imagine Saturday's talk will go:
me: hey can I talk to you?
him: Uh, yeah, just let me go take care of some things first.
(he goes to the host desk, shuffles papers, trudges through the dining room into his office, goes online, shops for his kids, then after I wait at the bar for 20 min and get fed up and go into his office, he turns to me)
him: OK. So what's been going on? I haven't had you scheduled for almost 3 weeks.
me: I know. I wasn't real sure what that was all about either. I had requested Saturdays only but I guess you didn't need me those days?
him: well, yeah, I mean, there are people who are actually working regularly who should have priority over your one day request.
me: Right, right. Well I was working on getting some temp work anyway, so it worked out well that you didn't schedule me.
him: so are you quitting?
me: well, I would like to continue on just working Saturdays if you still need me.
him: No, I don't think that will work. It's silly to keep someone on just one day a week.
me: are you sure? Even during Christmas?
him: Yeah, we'll be fine. You can just quit now.
me: Well you know I would really like to put in a two week notice so that I am doing this right...
him: (laughing) you should have done that 2 weeks ago!
me: Well, I didn't know if my little experiment was going to work. Still don't entirely know what I am doing. But I would like to stay on great terms with this company and not just leave abruptly.
him: I don't even know what abruptly means.
me: I know. That's because you are just a stupid Jock who somehow got into a position of authority even though you don't know what the hell is going on half the time and make really bad decisions.
him: Oh yeah. I forgot.
me: of course you did. And you probably will forget again when I am not working here anymore and reminding you all the time.
him: Well maybe that is a good thing.
me: You know, you are right. I don't want to lower my standards and work for someone like you any longer. I think it is better if I just go. You will give me a good review if I need one, right?
him: Oh yeah sure.
me: great thanks!
(I shake his hand and leave free as a bird out the door. He feels foolish and takes out his feelings of inadequacy on his employees, who cringe in terror under his rath.)
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Open Letter To Egor the Foreign Guy:
Dear Egor,
I am sorry I wasn't the girl you thought I was. I know the expectant look on my face as I stood waiting outside the IO Theatre last night could easily have been mistaken for the look of a girl waiting to meet you for the first time. But no, I was not the "Cecelia" you thought I was. I was just out there waiting for a friend.
When you came right up to me with that confident, excited look in your eye and asked "Cecelia?" in your thick foreign accent, you seemed so happy, Egor. That is why it was really hard for me to break it to you that alas, I was not. My only regret is that I reacted so poorly. I was quite confused and a bit taken aback at your directness with a stranger. I could only manage to mumble "No, no, I am not her," and step back awkwardly.
It was as if the light in your eyes died right before me, Egor! It broke my heart to see you that way! I know you meant well. I did too. I wanted the madness to stop right then and there. I wasn't her and there was no reason to prolong the torture any longer. I said sorry, too, Egor. But it WASN'T MY FAULT! Still, I felt terrible, wishing I was Cecelia with all my soul to make the pain stop.
And I appreciated your attempts to look good for this mystery girl. Your balding brown hair was combed forward in an effort to hide its eventual depletion, your squinty eyes were shining, and your accent certainly helped. I am sure Cecelia would have been impressed.
And the most charming thing was when you tried so sweetly to save face. You said "Awww, too bad...for me!" as you turned quickly to enter the theatre, your face turning red with embarassment.
Your pitiful attempt at a compliment did not go unnoticed, Egor! You thought I was Cecelia and that she was fairly attractive, and that was a relief. Realizing your mistake, you now had to contend with the fact that she may still be the ugly beast you fear she is! And so you made it clear that I was attractive and you were "missing out" by leaving me to go find your real date. But you went to find her anyway. And that, Egor, is beautiful.
I hope Cecelia finds out you are just as charming and kind hearted in person as you are online. And I wish you luck with all your other dating adventures in America. Welcome, Egor. Welcome.
Sincerely,Leanne, the wrong girl
Dear Egor,
I am sorry I wasn't the girl you thought I was. I know the expectant look on my face as I stood waiting outside the IO Theatre last night could easily have been mistaken for the look of a girl waiting to meet you for the first time. But no, I was not the "Cecelia" you thought I was. I was just out there waiting for a friend.
When you came right up to me with that confident, excited look in your eye and asked "Cecelia?" in your thick foreign accent, you seemed so happy, Egor. That is why it was really hard for me to break it to you that alas, I was not. My only regret is that I reacted so poorly. I was quite confused and a bit taken aback at your directness with a stranger. I could only manage to mumble "No, no, I am not her," and step back awkwardly.
It was as if the light in your eyes died right before me, Egor! It broke my heart to see you that way! I know you meant well. I did too. I wanted the madness to stop right then and there. I wasn't her and there was no reason to prolong the torture any longer. I said sorry, too, Egor. But it WASN'T MY FAULT! Still, I felt terrible, wishing I was Cecelia with all my soul to make the pain stop.
And I appreciated your attempts to look good for this mystery girl. Your balding brown hair was combed forward in an effort to hide its eventual depletion, your squinty eyes were shining, and your accent certainly helped. I am sure Cecelia would have been impressed.
And the most charming thing was when you tried so sweetly to save face. You said "Awww, too bad...for me!" as you turned quickly to enter the theatre, your face turning red with embarassment.
Your pitiful attempt at a compliment did not go unnoticed, Egor! You thought I was Cecelia and that she was fairly attractive, and that was a relief. Realizing your mistake, you now had to contend with the fact that she may still be the ugly beast you fear she is! And so you made it clear that I was attractive and you were "missing out" by leaving me to go find your real date. But you went to find her anyway. And that, Egor, is beautiful.
I hope Cecelia finds out you are just as charming and kind hearted in person as you are online. And I wish you luck with all your other dating adventures in America. Welcome, Egor. Welcome.
Sincerely,Leanne, the wrong girl
Showered at the boy's house this morning. Found a wonderful little metaphor for life in said shower. Brightened my morning quite a bit. That and his roommie's glorious sharing of fresh coffee with me.
Oh yeah, so the metaphor.
I noticed a tiny spider on the shower curtain. She was at my eye level, and she was trying to make her way UP the curtain, despite numerous obstacles, such as the slick material of the curtain, the water droplets all around, the shaking of the curtain occasionally when I brushed up against it...
There were a lot of reasons why she SHOULDN"T be there. But she must have had a purpose, because she had made it so far already (eye level! Wow!) and continued to struggle up that curtain. I thought she was crazy. Why and how did she get there in the first place? She was one determined little spidey.
After I finished up, I checked on her again, and she had not made much progress. In fact, she had resolved to tighten up and curl into a spider ball of sorts, legs kinked together and close to her body. She was almost cowering. She clearly wasn't making anymore progress, that was obvious. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could really do that felt right. And I was running late, so pep talks were not in order today. Certainly not for spiders I hardly knew.
So I just left her alone. She would gather her strength again, I was sure of it.
This spider made me think of people--myself and friends, primarily. But even just humans in general. We find ourselves on trecherous paths trying to make it, striving to do what we love or move forward in careers we aren't sure of, wondering how the hell we even got here. It is certainly not anything like we imagined when we were young. Yet every day we attempt bigger and bigger things, facing obstacles and judgment from others. But the journey, however slippery, is what is important.
And sometimes, just for sanity's sake, we have to curl up into a little ball and just hold on for a while. This can make us stronger sometimes, or it can paralyze and cripple us. It is all in how you decide to use these sort of "kinked up in a spider ball holding on for dear life" times.
What we all need to do is help each other through them when we can, or, if a pep talk isn't the answer, just leave each other alone to figure it out. And I am sure we all will, in our own way at our own pace.
And for those people who don't ever need that time to curl up in protection mode?
Fuck all y'all.
Oh yeah, so the metaphor.
I noticed a tiny spider on the shower curtain. She was at my eye level, and she was trying to make her way UP the curtain, despite numerous obstacles, such as the slick material of the curtain, the water droplets all around, the shaking of the curtain occasionally when I brushed up against it...
There were a lot of reasons why she SHOULDN"T be there. But she must have had a purpose, because she had made it so far already (eye level! Wow!) and continued to struggle up that curtain. I thought she was crazy. Why and how did she get there in the first place? She was one determined little spidey.
After I finished up, I checked on her again, and she had not made much progress. In fact, she had resolved to tighten up and curl into a spider ball of sorts, legs kinked together and close to her body. She was almost cowering. She clearly wasn't making anymore progress, that was obvious. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could really do that felt right. And I was running late, so pep talks were not in order today. Certainly not for spiders I hardly knew.
So I just left her alone. She would gather her strength again, I was sure of it.
This spider made me think of people--myself and friends, primarily. But even just humans in general. We find ourselves on trecherous paths trying to make it, striving to do what we love or move forward in careers we aren't sure of, wondering how the hell we even got here. It is certainly not anything like we imagined when we were young. Yet every day we attempt bigger and bigger things, facing obstacles and judgment from others. But the journey, however slippery, is what is important.
And sometimes, just for sanity's sake, we have to curl up into a little ball and just hold on for a while. This can make us stronger sometimes, or it can paralyze and cripple us. It is all in how you decide to use these sort of "kinked up in a spider ball holding on for dear life" times.
What we all need to do is help each other through them when we can, or, if a pep talk isn't the answer, just leave each other alone to figure it out. And I am sure we all will, in our own way at our own pace.
And for those people who don't ever need that time to curl up in protection mode?
Fuck all y'all.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I am listening to a random internet radio station that plays just what I like and it is making me intensely comfortable and cozy here at the desk. As I play in every way possible on the internet, I always keep my finger on the mouse to toggle back to the office email page...not that anyone really pays attention, or even really cares for that matter. But it's more of a game I play with myself: "Will I be able to hide the blog before someone walks by and sees it? "
I played a similar game when I was a child to keep myself amused when no one really cared: "How can I get from one end of the house to the other without anyone seeing me?"
I remember being so small and covert. I hid behind chairs and dove under tables and crawled as silently as possible across endless miles of kitchen floor, all the while my eyes trained on the newspaper covering up my father's face. Making it across his office doorway was easy...he was never really paying attention to much of anything. But getting past the gaping entryway to the living room when mom was watching TV? Nearly impossible. One had to stop breathing or she could sense you.
I used to think she had ESP.
She just chose not to use it too often because she didn't want to know what I was REALLY up to.
Anyway, so back to working...or not working, as it were.
I am cozy enough on this slightly chilly fall day, hanging out in my special ergonomic (how the balls DO you spell that?) chair, dreaming about being a real writer, doing whatever I want online save look at porn, thinking about the future, getting overwhelmed, keeping it simple--thinking about two days from now...That's better. And wondering (yet again) if I made the right decision declining the opportunity to have this 14 dollar an hour job permanently.
I fret oh so much. Really, it's annoying even to me, folks.
I think I did the right thing. I need stimuli as well as free time to play. There has got to be a job like that out there--where I still feel important but not without down time too.
That is my ideal right now.
That and just being paid to act or write all day.
Or maybe bowl. Being paid to bowl would be pretty cool too. Not well, mind you. Just bowl however you do. And get paid. Any gig like that out there? Anyone? Anyone?
No?
Damn.
Well I guess that is it for now. Tomorrow is another day where I will strive to arrive (rhyming is so satisfying!) on time yet again so no one bitches at me.
I played a similar game when I was a child to keep myself amused when no one really cared: "How can I get from one end of the house to the other without anyone seeing me?"
I remember being so small and covert. I hid behind chairs and dove under tables and crawled as silently as possible across endless miles of kitchen floor, all the while my eyes trained on the newspaper covering up my father's face. Making it across his office doorway was easy...he was never really paying attention to much of anything. But getting past the gaping entryway to the living room when mom was watching TV? Nearly impossible. One had to stop breathing or she could sense you.
I used to think she had ESP.
She just chose not to use it too often because she didn't want to know what I was REALLY up to.
Anyway, so back to working...or not working, as it were.
I am cozy enough on this slightly chilly fall day, hanging out in my special ergonomic (how the balls DO you spell that?) chair, dreaming about being a real writer, doing whatever I want online save look at porn, thinking about the future, getting overwhelmed, keeping it simple--thinking about two days from now...That's better. And wondering (yet again) if I made the right decision declining the opportunity to have this 14 dollar an hour job permanently.
I fret oh so much. Really, it's annoying even to me, folks.
I think I did the right thing. I need stimuli as well as free time to play. There has got to be a job like that out there--where I still feel important but not without down time too.
That is my ideal right now.
That and just being paid to act or write all day.
Or maybe bowl. Being paid to bowl would be pretty cool too. Not well, mind you. Just bowl however you do. And get paid. Any gig like that out there? Anyone? Anyone?
No?
Damn.
Well I guess that is it for now. Tomorrow is another day where I will strive to arrive (rhyming is so satisfying!) on time yet again so no one bitches at me.
I would like to attempt to list 100 things about me. I think it will not only make me stretch my pea brain but also inspire me and make me realize I am a lot cooler than I sometimes think I am. In fact, I think we all should do this from time to time! Everyone take a second sometime this week to jot down 100 things about yourself. maybe you will discover something you never knew about the one person you spend allllllll your time with--YOU!
(Jeez I sound like a self-help guru or something...hand me some dolphin shorts and cue "Sweating to the Oldies" music!)
Drumroll please...
1 I wear cool glasses
2 I have the nasal twang in my voice you only acquire living in Fresno, CA
3 My favorite sushi roll is a crunchy roll that doesn't seem to exist in Chicago. (I will find one, dammit!)
4 I look good in skirts and heels but I never wear them
5 I take a train to work every day
6 I am a really good waitress (if I so choose to be)
7 I am addicted to chocolate
8 I file my nails anywhere, anytime, if need be
9 I get mousy and shy when I don't know anyone (it's true! you are never there to witness it, but it's true!)
10 I pay all my parking tickets and bills on time
11 I got out of jury duty (thank God! It was a close call, I would say)
12 I had a cat named cuddles that I talked to when I was little
13 I am an actress
14 I am a writer
15 I am a good friend to talk to. Not so good with the gifts or remembering birthdays or taking you to lunch, but good to talk to
16 I have great taste in music, and love nothing more than to share it with people I love
17 I learn something new about computers every day.
18 I am almost painfully logical at times...
19 Then I will turn around and think ridiculously irrationally for a good long while
20 That being said, I am a very complex person, totally contradictory most of the time
21 I have a thing for boys that look Jewish-always have, always will
22 I pick up on things pretty darn quickly
23 I actually like exercising (this is a pretty recent discovery)
24 I don't fit in at office buildings and that is ok, I will still work there
25 I don't fit in with hipsters and that is ok, I will still try to befriend them
26 There are a lot of stuffed animals on my bed
27 I only like my hair when Frank is around
28 I am not skinny or fat, but somewhere awkwardly inbetween
29 I smoked pot with Woody Harrelson
30 I surfed in La Jolla and loved it
31 I left places I have lived that made me unhappy
32 I explored most cities in California
33 I have to plug my nose when I jump in the pool...still
34 I can't dive for the life of me
35 I am pretty flexible
36 I sit on my porch way too much
37 I read an insane amount of information every day and hardly absorb any of it
38 I swam in a secret waterin' hole only locals knew about on an Illinois hiking trail
39 I often internalize songs and make them mean something deeper
40 My favorite drink is Vodka and tonic
41 My favorite color is brown
42 I like making people feel comfortable enough to talk to me about anything
43 I am crude
44 I am a very gassy person
45 I sweat a lot, whether I exert energy or not
46 I am very sexual but not too sexy most of the time
47 I once had purple hair (just in the front)
48 I used to sneak out of my house to go drink and smoke and never got officially caught
49 There are thoughts I have that make no sense and it's ok to call me out on it
50 I need a lot of reassurance
51 I am a tad bit codependent
52 I have the kind of smile where my lips disappear and my teeth look enormous
53 I hate and love my freckles at the same time
54 I am a closet optimist and I am not ready to come out fully
55 I talk about things but don't take action nearly enough
56 I often do things based on fear
57 I often don't do things based on fear
58 I climbed Mount Baldy in the snow in jeans and ate dehydrated food that was delicious
59 I love rollercoasters
60 I love Halloween and not just because it is my birthday
61 I own an MP3 player but not an IPOD
62 I keep anything anyone gives me so I can look at it later and remember them
63 My favorite type of music can be best described as "guitar-based, electronic indie pop"
64 I have had my heart broken and turned out better than I ever thought possible at the time
65 I have broken hearts and I always hate it, every time, no matter the circumstances
66 There are many hemp necklaces that I keep in a red box even though I never wear them
67 I do not have one piece of expensive or fine jewelry with me in Chicago
68 Speaking of which, I put all I could fit into my jetta and drove cross country to move to Chicago!
69 My mother was also in on the above road trip and I am glad I let her come because it made the time very special and we are not very close so that is important
70 I want to own a bearded dragon someday
71 And a chihuahua
72 I love being in a smoky bar in the middle of a snowstorm
73 I collect fall leaves in Chicago to send to people I love
74 I am terrified of old age
75 I have gone on a hay ride in the dark
76 I am judgmental but always open to having my mind changed
77 I don't have too many strong opinions about anything, but when I do, you'll know about it
78 I get bouts of uncontrollable hyperactive energy and have to jump around and say nonsensical things for a while
79 I shake uncontrollably almost all the time
80 I get anxious about little things and make them HUGE
81 I like to be considered "funny"
82 I lie and say I am fine a lot
83 I secretly cry about nothing and everything at random times
84 Gross things make me happy but I will still be grossed out
85 I am a great secret keeper as long as I am able to tell ONE other person (that doesn't know anyone involved, of course)
86 Try as I might, I really could never get into candles and incense
87 I like cats more than dogs
88 I used to think I could turn into a dog
89 When I was little I used to rub against trees with the boy down the street and call it "the good feeling"
90 Sometimes when I was very young I really wanted to die
91 I have won awards in all the things I love
92 Anything I spot that is strange I will stop and look at for at least a few minutes
93 Once I knew what I wanted in a relationship, I found it
94 I waste a lot of time doing stupid things
95 I enjoy wasting time doing stupid things
96 I can't remember what I did the day before and that scares me
97 There are many things I want to do that I haven't..yet
98 I could spend hours in a museum
99 I really like having someone with me to share moments
100 I have no idea what my future holds...and am learning to be ok with it
(Jeez I sound like a self-help guru or something...hand me some dolphin shorts and cue "Sweating to the Oldies" music!)
Drumroll please...
1 I wear cool glasses
2 I have the nasal twang in my voice you only acquire living in Fresno, CA
3 My favorite sushi roll is a crunchy roll that doesn't seem to exist in Chicago. (I will find one, dammit!)
4 I look good in skirts and heels but I never wear them
5 I take a train to work every day
6 I am a really good waitress (if I so choose to be)
7 I am addicted to chocolate
8 I file my nails anywhere, anytime, if need be
9 I get mousy and shy when I don't know anyone (it's true! you are never there to witness it, but it's true!)
10 I pay all my parking tickets and bills on time
11 I got out of jury duty (thank God! It was a close call, I would say)
12 I had a cat named cuddles that I talked to when I was little
13 I am an actress
14 I am a writer
15 I am a good friend to talk to. Not so good with the gifts or remembering birthdays or taking you to lunch, but good to talk to
16 I have great taste in music, and love nothing more than to share it with people I love
17 I learn something new about computers every day.
18 I am almost painfully logical at times...
19 Then I will turn around and think ridiculously irrationally for a good long while
20 That being said, I am a very complex person, totally contradictory most of the time
21 I have a thing for boys that look Jewish-always have, always will
22 I pick up on things pretty darn quickly
23 I actually like exercising (this is a pretty recent discovery)
24 I don't fit in at office buildings and that is ok, I will still work there
25 I don't fit in with hipsters and that is ok, I will still try to befriend them
26 There are a lot of stuffed animals on my bed
27 I only like my hair when Frank is around
28 I am not skinny or fat, but somewhere awkwardly inbetween
29 I smoked pot with Woody Harrelson
30 I surfed in La Jolla and loved it
31 I left places I have lived that made me unhappy
32 I explored most cities in California
33 I have to plug my nose when I jump in the pool...still
34 I can't dive for the life of me
35 I am pretty flexible
36 I sit on my porch way too much
37 I read an insane amount of information every day and hardly absorb any of it
38 I swam in a secret waterin' hole only locals knew about on an Illinois hiking trail
39 I often internalize songs and make them mean something deeper
40 My favorite drink is Vodka and tonic
41 My favorite color is brown
42 I like making people feel comfortable enough to talk to me about anything
43 I am crude
44 I am a very gassy person
45 I sweat a lot, whether I exert energy or not
46 I am very sexual but not too sexy most of the time
47 I once had purple hair (just in the front)
48 I used to sneak out of my house to go drink and smoke and never got officially caught
49 There are thoughts I have that make no sense and it's ok to call me out on it
50 I need a lot of reassurance
51 I am a tad bit codependent
52 I have the kind of smile where my lips disappear and my teeth look enormous
53 I hate and love my freckles at the same time
54 I am a closet optimist and I am not ready to come out fully
55 I talk about things but don't take action nearly enough
56 I often do things based on fear
57 I often don't do things based on fear
58 I climbed Mount Baldy in the snow in jeans and ate dehydrated food that was delicious
59 I love rollercoasters
60 I love Halloween and not just because it is my birthday
61 I own an MP3 player but not an IPOD
62 I keep anything anyone gives me so I can look at it later and remember them
63 My favorite type of music can be best described as "guitar-based, electronic indie pop"
64 I have had my heart broken and turned out better than I ever thought possible at the time
65 I have broken hearts and I always hate it, every time, no matter the circumstances
66 There are many hemp necklaces that I keep in a red box even though I never wear them
67 I do not have one piece of expensive or fine jewelry with me in Chicago
68 Speaking of which, I put all I could fit into my jetta and drove cross country to move to Chicago!
69 My mother was also in on the above road trip and I am glad I let her come because it made the time very special and we are not very close so that is important
70 I want to own a bearded dragon someday
71 And a chihuahua
72 I love being in a smoky bar in the middle of a snowstorm
73 I collect fall leaves in Chicago to send to people I love
74 I am terrified of old age
75 I have gone on a hay ride in the dark
76 I am judgmental but always open to having my mind changed
77 I don't have too many strong opinions about anything, but when I do, you'll know about it
78 I get bouts of uncontrollable hyperactive energy and have to jump around and say nonsensical things for a while
79 I shake uncontrollably almost all the time
80 I get anxious about little things and make them HUGE
81 I like to be considered "funny"
82 I lie and say I am fine a lot
83 I secretly cry about nothing and everything at random times
84 Gross things make me happy but I will still be grossed out
85 I am a great secret keeper as long as I am able to tell ONE other person (that doesn't know anyone involved, of course)
86 Try as I might, I really could never get into candles and incense
87 I like cats more than dogs
88 I used to think I could turn into a dog
89 When I was little I used to rub against trees with the boy down the street and call it "the good feeling"
90 Sometimes when I was very young I really wanted to die
91 I have won awards in all the things I love
92 Anything I spot that is strange I will stop and look at for at least a few minutes
93 Once I knew what I wanted in a relationship, I found it
94 I waste a lot of time doing stupid things
95 I enjoy wasting time doing stupid things
96 I can't remember what I did the day before and that scares me
97 There are many things I want to do that I haven't..yet
98 I could spend hours in a museum
99 I really like having someone with me to share moments
100 I have no idea what my future holds...and am learning to be ok with it
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I used to watch those "Leggo My Eggo" commercials and think they were talking about "Legos", the childrens' building block toys. I really was convinced. I didn't "get" what they were really going for (Let GO of My Eggo) until about 8th grade. Sad but true.
On that note, I realized a few other things of that nature in 8th grade. The commercial for "Nut&Honey" cereal? They were saying "Nuthin, honey" to their pesky loved ones, not simply stating the cereal name, like I assumed. At Church, when the priest finished up a mass, he was saying "thanks BE to God," not "thanks speed of God." While I sort of understood that my interpretations of these things didn't quite makes sense, I simply figured it was everyone around me that made up these odd sayings that was crazy.
It's sort of like that year, my developing brain finally reached it's maturity and suddenly the world made sense. Too bad it didn't last.
It is odd to me that it took that long for me to question and at last figure out the real intention behind these phrases. Why wasn't my brain bright enough to question my perception, as I so often do now?
But then I think about how some people my age still say supposably and irregardless, and I realize that it can happen at any age, anytime. Sometimes we just don't use our brains to make sure what we think is true is really what is going on. We take things at face value. We repeat what other people say and take it for truth.
It's not always truth. There were no legos in that commercial. They were not talking about my favorite childhood toy.
They were telling me to let go.
On that note, I realized a few other things of that nature in 8th grade. The commercial for "Nut&Honey" cereal? They were saying "Nuthin, honey" to their pesky loved ones, not simply stating the cereal name, like I assumed. At Church, when the priest finished up a mass, he was saying "thanks BE to God," not "thanks speed of God." While I sort of understood that my interpretations of these things didn't quite makes sense, I simply figured it was everyone around me that made up these odd sayings that was crazy.
It's sort of like that year, my developing brain finally reached it's maturity and suddenly the world made sense. Too bad it didn't last.
It is odd to me that it took that long for me to question and at last figure out the real intention behind these phrases. Why wasn't my brain bright enough to question my perception, as I so often do now?
But then I think about how some people my age still say supposably and irregardless, and I realize that it can happen at any age, anytime. Sometimes we just don't use our brains to make sure what we think is true is really what is going on. We take things at face value. We repeat what other people say and take it for truth.
It's not always truth. There were no legos in that commercial. They were not talking about my favorite childhood toy.
They were telling me to let go.
Monday, September 25, 2006
I was reading an article on company employees wasting office hours playing online and taking care of personal business...
While I understand their concern about decreases in productivity, I also think businesses need to pick their battles and be careful not to generalize their policies about it, otherwise they risk alienating their employees in a big way.
There are some people who abuse the system, yes. But for those who make sure to get all their other important work done before taking care of personal things, punishing them as well as the abusers could really hurt the work place vibe.
As an employee, you have agreed to give up 40+ hours of your week to this company. Those hours are usually the only hours that everything else you may need to utilize (businesses, banks, doctors, etc...) are open as well. So you give up the opportunity to take care of some needs you may have so that you can be at your job during those hours. In exchange, I feel it is your right to take care of some of those things while you are at work. If all your work gets done still, what does it matter if you take an extra 10 min at lunch? Or spare 5 min to pay a bill or two online? Or call your credit card company to complain about a charge? These are things you simply cannot take care of properly sometimes due to the time spent at your job place.
I think it is unfortunate that we cannot treat people like the adults they are and trust them to get the work done first, then take care of personal things. But if we have to "restrict" their use of internet, I think simply expressing to the employees the expectations about internet use could be very beneficial to the employer. Let employees know that they can use computers for personal use, but only after work is done for the day, or as long as everything that needs attention right away gets attended to. Treating people like the freeminded adults they are is the first step in getting them to make smart decisions. Restricting their freedoms in a mass company policy is the first step in driving them away, or cutting morale, or undermining their intelligence.
If after giving them this talk about expectations, your employees still waste tons of time online, then it's time to take more action.
Says the girl who is online because there really is not much else for her to do sometimes...
While I understand their concern about decreases in productivity, I also think businesses need to pick their battles and be careful not to generalize their policies about it, otherwise they risk alienating their employees in a big way.
There are some people who abuse the system, yes. But for those who make sure to get all their other important work done before taking care of personal things, punishing them as well as the abusers could really hurt the work place vibe.
As an employee, you have agreed to give up 40+ hours of your week to this company. Those hours are usually the only hours that everything else you may need to utilize (businesses, banks, doctors, etc...) are open as well. So you give up the opportunity to take care of some needs you may have so that you can be at your job during those hours. In exchange, I feel it is your right to take care of some of those things while you are at work. If all your work gets done still, what does it matter if you take an extra 10 min at lunch? Or spare 5 min to pay a bill or two online? Or call your credit card company to complain about a charge? These are things you simply cannot take care of properly sometimes due to the time spent at your job place.
I think it is unfortunate that we cannot treat people like the adults they are and trust them to get the work done first, then take care of personal things. But if we have to "restrict" their use of internet, I think simply expressing to the employees the expectations about internet use could be very beneficial to the employer. Let employees know that they can use computers for personal use, but only after work is done for the day, or as long as everything that needs attention right away gets attended to. Treating people like the freeminded adults they are is the first step in getting them to make smart decisions. Restricting their freedoms in a mass company policy is the first step in driving them away, or cutting morale, or undermining their intelligence.
If after giving them this talk about expectations, your employees still waste tons of time online, then it's time to take more action.
Says the girl who is online because there really is not much else for her to do sometimes...
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